Netflix Quandary

Dear James-

When I was at my daughter's home 2 months ago for a weekend visit, I used her computer to log onto my Netflix account. The computer saved my account information and since then, my daughter's boyfriend has been watching videos on my account. I am a very lawful person and I feel he is abusing my account privileges. James, how should I handle this situation delicately?

Sincerely Lawful Larry from Fresno

***

Rapid technological advances in the past few decades have created a rather sizable cultural dichotomy between individuals only a single generation apart. It used to be that to steal a video you'd have to leave your house, go down to the local video store, snatch what you wanted without being seen in those fish-eye mirrors and walk around the magnetic sensors without getting caught. What's more, all the clerk had to do was pretend not to notice and grab your license number as you drove away and you were suddenly in jail for a crime that saved you a buck and a half. In the old days petty crime was risky and difficult. This lead to a generation of people throwing up their hands at the whole premise of theft and developing a culture of lawfulness whereby instead of taking pride in things you do, you take pride in what you don't do (actually the same mechanism that rebellious teenagers use to gain social status by opting out of things that take time or energy).

The underpinnings of this cultural legacy have, however, been severely eroded by the advance of technology. Now that it's actually easier to take something illegally than to obtain it legally it just doesn't feel like stealing anymore. The whole process is now similar to more culturally accepted practices like scavenging or looting, except with fewer wild dogs to compete with.

Confrontation is usually somewhat uncomfortable, and may lead to a long speech by your daughter's boyfriend about how the corporations are stealing from artists and how free speech is being oppressed. This could take up to ten minutes of your time. For these reasons I'd recommend rationalizing his behavior. Fortunately Netflix is a fairly successful corporation that employs a large number of people, and you’re rationalizing a practice that has been growing in popularity since the advent of shareware in the early 90’s. This means that there are likely people that work at Netflix that are also illegally accessing copyrighted material. As I understand it by the rules of rationalization this fact allows you to steal anytime you’re in the vicinity of a Netflix product, or if the name Netflix has been mentioned in the past ten seconds. Please note that the rules of rationalization tend to be somewhat fluid, so make sure to check the most recent update before going on a shoplifting spree wearing a Netflix logo-emblazoned vest.

If mimicking the behavior of an amorphous and strictly hypothetical group of people for some reason doesn't actually assuage your moral sensibilities then there may be another option. Have you considered surrepticiously changing the password of your account and then denying all knowledge of what happened while feigning early onset senility? I hesitate to mention this classic gambit for fear that its ubiquity makes the advice nearly useless, much like saying "tie your shoes to avoid falling," however, I get paid by the word.

Best of luck,
Good tidings,
Merry Unbirthday
Daddy needs a new pair of shoelaces,

James

To Talk to Girls...

James,

How can I appear less creepy to the opposite gender. I just always seem to come off the wrong way when I'm trying to pick up girls.

Thanks,


Mallory


Normally I advice against empathy. It seems to mostly be a way to double the number of problems you have to deal with, while simultaneously halving the power you have to solve them. In this instance, however, a little empathy might actually be your best bet. Understanding what women find creepy isn't as hard as you'd imagine, you just have to walk (about) a mile in their shoes. With this in mind, put on a pair of women's pumps, or at least something sensible enough to get you to the nearest gay bar. Hang out there for a bit soliciting pick up attempts from the local citizenry. If you haven't blown your cover as a straight man completely after an hour you should have a fair sized array of pick up lines. Remember all the ones that made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end and your teeth grit? Don't use those. Now change your shoes, take a walk down the street to the nearest straight bar, walk inside and and strike up a conversation in the same manner that the more pleasant men you met earlier used. While doing this try to keep the number of times you glance at the girl's chest below the number of inches of cleavage her top displays.





These two tips should cover your bases if you're exhibiting any sort of standard level creepiness.





Best of Luck,


James

You're Fired: A guide to friendship.

Dear James,

I spend most of my social time around my two best friends. One of them is really a great, fun girl who enhances my life. The other is often sour, bored, or negative, and she spends most of our time together texting her boyfriend. How do I "divorce" one friend while still being able to spend a lot of time with the other?

Sincerely Susan

When laying off a friend from their position, many people will advise you to be open and honest with the friend. Beware these people for they are social parasites, seeking to incite gossip-worthy events in your life for their own voyeuristic pleasure. If you receive this advice from someone, try to quickly distract them from the topic by expressing disapproval of a nearby bystander's style of dress. If you're lucky the promise of immediate gossip-gratification will trump the slow and unreliable build up of drama in your own life.

Remember this: Always avoid being honest with someone close to you about their flaws lest it encourage them to do the same with you. In a poll of people ages 18-45, "facing our flaws" was rated the third most dreaded situation after public speaking and being eating by cannibals (in that order). Some might point out that suffering through a single honest exchange might, in the grand scheme of things, be easier on the other person as the single traumatic event could be quickly overcome as opposed to potentially months of being strung along in a state of growing disheartenment and insecurity. These people have failed to take into account how our sense of guilt "helps" us to assess what's right for other people. Guilt accrues only when we form memories of something to feel guilty about. These memories invariably form from acute instances of suffering. The dull ache elicited by passive aggression and its ilk just isn't going to register strongly enough with most people to actually evoke guilt in them. Thus we see why passive aggression is so popular, and why it's the exact right strategy for you.

To begin, start posting more on your facebook page about how busy you are. Try to exaggerate the amount of time you spend on any given task. Never just post about how you need to brush your teeth; You need to find your toothbrush (and man, you haven't seen it in like a nebulous large-sounding amount of time!) wait until your bathroom is available, and consult your dentist about your burgeoning concerns over probiotic imbalances caused by the removal of useful digestive bacteria. Facebook has created a culture of ordeals where all of life's annoyances or activities are made to sound Herculean in scope; Take advantage of this to sow the seeds of your future excuses. This will chip away at your friend's sense of your availability, and indeed should remove altogether their expectations for any sort of rational excuses, or rationality in general if you play your cards right. This sort of nonspecific approach should keep you free to see your higher priority friends, and may even make them feel special that you're willing to put aside such important sounding neuroses on their behalf.

No solution is perfect though and eventually you'll be cornered. This is particularly likely if you're still making time for mutual friends. For these situations you're going to need to be able to stave off the guilt from your avoidance of them by spending time with them. The important thing to remember is that your behavior is in no way engaging or entertaining. Naturally social and vivacious sorts may have issues pretending to be properly lackluster, but if you're this sort, don't worry; You have a perfect example of how to act right in front of you. Mimic the more noisome behavior of your friend. This should work to prevent any positive reinforcement for all that hard work they put into pinning you down while simultaneously giving you a since of cleverly ironic self-righteousness; Something more prized than silver in many communities(1).

Finally, make sure to instill a sense of abject confusion in the friend about your day to day schedule. The last thing you need is someone you're trying to avoid knowing where you are or what you're doing at any given time. Post more status updates explicitly from work at random times throughout the day. Frequently comment on vaguely imminent trips you'll be taking to maintain a sense of elusiveness, and finally, swap cars with your other friends "for fun" insuring that you'll always have a different car parked in your driveway.

Note that if all this fails and you find that no amount of flakiness can shake your friend without endangering your other relationships, then as a last resort you should consider going into business with your friend. An unwritten, poorly formulated business venture is the undauntable executioner that can end any relationship up to and including the infant/mother bond(2).

Best of luck to you,
James

Notes:

1: For the gold standard you need to be patronizingly faux-helpful.

2: Some claim that the data collected to prove this was somewhat biased by the tendency for most mother/infant buisness ventures to involve the sale of the infant by the mother.