Daddy Issues
"Dear James,
I find that no matter what I do I am always a dissapointment to my father. His comments and manner always seems to make me feel inadequate, like I could have done better or more. I can't stand it any longer! Is there anything I can do?
Thanks,
Inadequate in Illinois"
Dear Inadequate,
As with most social problems, inadequacy can easily be combated with a capitalistic approach. Our society evolved to encourage resource expenditure for every conceivable social ill, and feelings of inadequacy are in fact the premiere example of this phenomenon. In fact, it is the exploitation of inadequacy that pioneered the modern day marketing strategies.
So what am I suggesting, precisely? I’m telling you to go out and buy stuff. Getting new toys to play with, new cloths to attract, and new status symbols to flaunt doesn’t just alleviate sadness, it can also build up other’s opinion of you. This will not only make you feel good about yourself, but eventually you may actually garner more respect from society than your father. Then you can begin the satisfying process of making him feel inadequate.
But what happens if you don’t base all of your opinions of human worth on material possessions? The answer is that you need to start now. Obviously you’re not living up to your current values, probably because of their abstract nature. If you value being a good person, how exactly do you measure how good you are? Is there a system of points? How much is sending grandma a get-well card worth in comparison to returning an old man’s wallet? Without any guidelines to judge such things you end up basing them off your current emotional state, which will create a never-ending cycle of despair and self-loathing. Of course if you’re the sort of person that’s into that, and I know that it’s a “lifestyle choice” which is growing in popularity, then go for it. Since you’ve written me about it as if inadequacy were a problem, however, I’m assuming you’ve decided to go for mainstream happiness (usually measured in Kilo-Kittens). For that you need to have some measurable success, and what could be easier to measure than the dollar value of your lifestyle? Just look at your monthly bank statement. As long as it remains at or close to 0 then you must be as happy as your income allows you to be. If that’s not happy enough for you, consider borrowing money from your father. This works the dual purpose of restricting his access to wealth while increasing yours, making you comparatively a better person than him. Make sure to throw this in his face no less than a few weeks before you borrow money from him next and your feelings of inadequacy are bound to be replaced by a sense of smug superiority in no time.
Best of luck,
James
I find that no matter what I do I am always a dissapointment to my father. His comments and manner always seems to make me feel inadequate, like I could have done better or more. I can't stand it any longer! Is there anything I can do?
Thanks,
Inadequate in Illinois"
Dear Inadequate,
As with most social problems, inadequacy can easily be combated with a capitalistic approach. Our society evolved to encourage resource expenditure for every conceivable social ill, and feelings of inadequacy are in fact the premiere example of this phenomenon. In fact, it is the exploitation of inadequacy that pioneered the modern day marketing strategies.
So what am I suggesting, precisely? I’m telling you to go out and buy stuff. Getting new toys to play with, new cloths to attract, and new status symbols to flaunt doesn’t just alleviate sadness, it can also build up other’s opinion of you. This will not only make you feel good about yourself, but eventually you may actually garner more respect from society than your father. Then you can begin the satisfying process of making him feel inadequate.
But what happens if you don’t base all of your opinions of human worth on material possessions? The answer is that you need to start now. Obviously you’re not living up to your current values, probably because of their abstract nature. If you value being a good person, how exactly do you measure how good you are? Is there a system of points? How much is sending grandma a get-well card worth in comparison to returning an old man’s wallet? Without any guidelines to judge such things you end up basing them off your current emotional state, which will create a never-ending cycle of despair and self-loathing. Of course if you’re the sort of person that’s into that, and I know that it’s a “lifestyle choice” which is growing in popularity, then go for it. Since you’ve written me about it as if inadequacy were a problem, however, I’m assuming you’ve decided to go for mainstream happiness (usually measured in Kilo-Kittens). For that you need to have some measurable success, and what could be easier to measure than the dollar value of your lifestyle? Just look at your monthly bank statement. As long as it remains at or close to 0 then you must be as happy as your income allows you to be. If that’s not happy enough for you, consider borrowing money from your father. This works the dual purpose of restricting his access to wealth while increasing yours, making you comparatively a better person than him. Make sure to throw this in his face no less than a few weeks before you borrow money from him next and your feelings of inadequacy are bound to be replaced by a sense of smug superiority in no time.
Best of luck,
James
posted by James at 2:21 PM
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