Family squabbles

"Dear James,

My husband and mother in law do not get along. They've been feuding ever since she used my husband's tie to wipe the drool off my cousin's chin while he was wearing it. My cousin's actually still pretty miffed about that too. I have, however, finally gotten him to promise to stop leaving burning bags of excrement on her porch, though she hasn't returned the favor quite yet. Ultimately, though the problem is that my mother is getting to old to care for herself and I've invited her to come live with us. Is there any way I can keep them from fighting constantly after she moves in? Also, how do I tell my husband that his mother in law will be living with us sometime next week?

Thanks,
Shell shocked Shelley"

Dear Shell shocked,

What you describe sounds much more like displays of dominance than outright hatred. Usually hatred will result in much more complicated behavior involving a combination of snarkiness, gossip, targeted ideological ranting, avoidance and even the occasional letter writing campaign. It appears that your husband and mother's sole response to each other is some variety of direct conflict. Unfortunately this type of conflict will be far more disruptive to your life than the passive aggressive bellyaching that occurs with purer variants of hatred. In fact, the pranks are actually the least of your worries. Eventually one or the other of the two is going to back down from the continuous pranking, potentially leaving the remaining contender for dominance with the impression that they have become the alpha in the family, a process that will significantly undermine the authority you may well have grown used to. You could find your TV preferences being deprioritized, or that clothing has become optional for the new head of the household. If you think it'll be bad having to watch your husband walk around with no pants all the time, just imagine what could happen if your mother wins.

Fortunately you're in a wonderful position to demonstrate dominance over both of them. By making a life altering decision for your husband without consulting him you've set yourself up to display ownership over him in general, and that his access to peace and quiet will be according to your whims alone. Now you just need to drive home the point properly. When you tell him about your mother make sure you to maintain a dominant stance. Keep your chest out and display good posture as you look him directly in the eyes, adopting a stern tone. Bring a rolled up newspaper or squirt bottle to emphasize your points, or more realistically, de-emphasize his. Likewise, use the same technique to remind your mother that sleeping indoors is a privilege. When either steps out of line make sure to punish them consistently. Even after they start to behave, make sure to remind them of your dominance from time to time with arbitrary demands. Finally, to keep them from teeming up on you make sure to let each know in private that they are your true favorite and you have to act the way you do because of how unreasonable the other is. Keep up these techniques and you'll be well on your way to becoming the undisputed tyrant of your household.


Best of luck,
James