Diary Despair

"Dear James,

I have an online diary which I write in frequently while I'm sad or angry. Sometimes my RL (real life) friends will read it and get upset over something I've written. What can I do to maintain the integrity of my diary without alienating my friends?

Frustrated in Fresno"


Dear Frustrated,

When writing an online diary open to your social circle you can run into a number of delicate situations. On the one hand the diary has traditionally been considered a great place to vent and get your more emotionally charged rants out of your system. It's even been used abundantly for simply gossiping with yourself. On the other hand the online nature of your diary has turned your most vulnerable, wretched, and scandalous thoughts into a series of press releases to your friends and the general public. Sometimes, as we've learned from Enron, there will be a backlash to such a thing.

Fortunately, learning how to talk about your darkest secrets with your friends, acquaintances, and random net pedestrians is as easy a process as making a press release about how the new toddler toy you released is simultaneously a choking hazard and highly toxic in poorly ventilated areas. People do it all the time. You need to learn to emphasize certain facets of the story while downplaying anything that would make you look bad. This is what people in the business refer to as "spin." This "spin" is exactly what you need to add to your diary to make it simultaneously diplomatic towards your audience and dramatic enough to drain you of your emotional impulses to kill, rape and maim. When discussing your more irritating friends focus not on their actions but on the results of their actions. For example; did your friend tell your crush you were home sick with (their words) "groin fungus?" You can delineate this event in your diary with such phrases as "and I found out today Jimmy knows I have a yeast infection. It was so embarrassing! I could just DIE!" Note how this focuses on your personal angst rather than the fact your friend is a dipshit. This allows you to suck up pity from your more considerate friends, guilt trip your lousy friends, and leaves you with plausible deniability against the high crime of "judging" people (something understood to be done only by Nazis and fascists). If you absolutely must blame someone, blame a higher power. Karma is always a good one, or its close cousin Fate. Avoid blaming vengeful deities. Even if they don't personally reach down from the heavens to smite you, vengeful deities attract vengeful followers and vengeful followers make up 63%* of all internet bitching and moaning. A long string of "Shiva will beat your head in with your own pelvis" comments are likely to distract from your more nuanced attempts to manipulate pity and guilt out of your readers... Or really anything you have to say at all.

But as long as you remember that you're not just writing a diary, but a manipulative news piece you should do okay.

Good Luck,
James

*Figure pulled from a camel's anus.
** No camels were harmed in the making of this blog.