Dating and Dollars

"Dear James,

I have a great job that I love, and it has great benefits. Perhaps not official benefits, I suppose, but the office supply security is pretty lax. Anyhow, the problem is that I just started dating this really great girl. Well, maybe not great, but certainly very pretty. My job doesn't really pay me much though, and I'm not sure if I can afford to keep her interested. What can I do?

Thanks or somethin',
Jersey Jim"



Dear Jersey Jim,

Most guys, myself included, have run into this very same dilemma. Now for some of us, we’re not actually too poor to afford our girlfriends, we’re just generally cheap. The theory, however, remains the same. You need the services of a dating financial advisor. These professionals can help you get the most date-related bang for your buck in a wide variety of scenarios ranging from blind dates to 10-year anniversaries. My own dating finance expert, Mr. William Taft, gave me a number of money saving tips that I will now illegally pass on to you. First, remember that many clothing lines considered fashionable are actively trying to emulate second-hand apparel or out of date trends. You can cut out an expensive middleman by just shopping directly at second hand stores. Seems so obvious, doesn’t it? Well there is one tiny hang up. Most of the status of wearing a certain type of clothing these days comes from the label, so you’ll need to find some way of duplicating that label onto your old clothing. The easiest way to do this is to go to expensive clothing shops with a pair of scissors and start stealing the labels specifically. Most store security systems are ill prepared to defend against this tactic, but just in case you do get caught remember to always go in with a partner you can use as a scapegoat or distraction. It helps if said partner is a racial minority, but if that’s not doable just get anyone that looks poor.

Second, remember that ebay is a great place to get deals on stuff you don’t actually want. The problem one usually runs into with auction sites is that if you’re looking for something specific, then others probably are too. What’s more, they might have the audacity to offer a reasonable price. If, however, you’re purchasing something for someone else you can base your search almost entirely off of pricing parameters. The ability to look for good deals independent of any actual desire for the product puts you, the consumer, in control. This way you can afford to give your date gifts that appear far more expensive than they actually are. And if it’s not something she’d actually want, don’t sweat it. You’re a guy; just play up how clueless you are at every opportunity and you should be fine.

Finally, a good financial planner will remind you to be constantly on the look out for cheap ways to raise your social status. Buy a sleek looking second-hand cell phone. Don’t get service for it; you don’t need to actually be able to call people to cash in for the social status. Just pull it out to periodically check your messages. You’ll never have any, of course, but she doesn’t have to know that. The other advantage of a cell phone without a service plan is that you’ll never have it go off in movie theatres, the car, or on the toilet. This added convenience is easily worth not being able to send or receive calls. More importantly than a cell phone, see if you can’t get blackmail material on someone with a nicer car. Some good leverage should be enough to wrangle it out of ‘em for the occasional date and may even save you money in the long run when you suffer your first quarter/mid/two-fifths life crisis.

All of this should get you off to a great start, but to maintain the subtle deception and dollar squeezing ballet that is dating above your means I strongly suggest a professional. Tell him James sent you.

I get discounts that way.

Best of luck,
James

*This column sponsored by William Taft Dating Financial Services, where our service is as great as our girth!