Indecision about Pregnancy

"Dear James,

My husband and I have been married for a number of years, and of late he's begun to talk about having children. The thing is, I'm not really sure I'm ready for a child. How can I handle this decision? How can I handle my husband?

Thanks,
Lost in Los Angeles"

The easiest way to make a decision between two things is generally by flipping a coin. This can be a particularly good idea if you’re prone to making bad decisions, as it’ll raise your odds to 50%, a sizable improvement for many people. That said, some people in your position would have a problem explaining to any future children what a controlled accident is.
Still, while the coin flip may help you avoid the stress and worry of a decision, when others are involved you still have to devise a method of getting your way. Because making major decisions like this are often important to others in your life (say, a husband for instance) stating a position openly can lead to conflict, and conflict can lead to discomfort should be avoided at all costs (to others) you need to find a means to get your way without others becoming aware of it. For this most choose to delve into the wonderfully safe world of passive aggression. The premise of this strategy is that the best way to win an argument is to keep your opponent oblivious to it. As long as your husband isn’t aware that you’ve made a decision counter to what he wants then he won’t try to change your mind, something that is frequently unpleasant. One way you can consider keeping your decision against having children on the lowdown is to fake your own infertility. For added power within your relationship you may even try to blame your husband for “his” failure to impregnate you. Fortunately you’re female, and most forms of birth control were designed by men for men’s convenience. As a symptom of this phenomena most birth control can be used almost invisibly to the male partner. Can you imagine being male and trying to slip on a condom without your partner’s notice*?
Bare in mind that several problems can arise from using this technique for too long. Your spouse might start to get suspicious, or he may simply want to start seeing a fertility consultant. Either of these could start to put a lot of pressure on you and entirely defeat the purpose of your passive aggression. At this point you’re probably going to want to cave entirely to his desires without ever having mentioned your hesitance. While this seems like quite a commitment, potentially creating a mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your life, at least you’ll never suffer the discomfort of having an occasionally reoccurring argument.

Best of Luck with your new child,
James

*Some scholar’s believe that the bondage fetish actually started from a particularly clever male infantaphobe.

As a reminder, please remember that my advice is open to the public and anyone wishing help on their personal matters to be published to an internationally read forum should email me at advicefromjames@hotmail.com.

Dating and Dollars

"Dear James,

I have a great job that I love, and it has great benefits. Perhaps not official benefits, I suppose, but the office supply security is pretty lax. Anyhow, the problem is that I just started dating this really great girl. Well, maybe not great, but certainly very pretty. My job doesn't really pay me much though, and I'm not sure if I can afford to keep her interested. What can I do?

Thanks or somethin',
Jersey Jim"



Dear Jersey Jim,

Most guys, myself included, have run into this very same dilemma. Now for some of us, we’re not actually too poor to afford our girlfriends, we’re just generally cheap. The theory, however, remains the same. You need the services of a dating financial advisor. These professionals can help you get the most date-related bang for your buck in a wide variety of scenarios ranging from blind dates to 10-year anniversaries. My own dating finance expert, Mr. William Taft, gave me a number of money saving tips that I will now illegally pass on to you. First, remember that many clothing lines considered fashionable are actively trying to emulate second-hand apparel or out of date trends. You can cut out an expensive middleman by just shopping directly at second hand stores. Seems so obvious, doesn’t it? Well there is one tiny hang up. Most of the status of wearing a certain type of clothing these days comes from the label, so you’ll need to find some way of duplicating that label onto your old clothing. The easiest way to do this is to go to expensive clothing shops with a pair of scissors and start stealing the labels specifically. Most store security systems are ill prepared to defend against this tactic, but just in case you do get caught remember to always go in with a partner you can use as a scapegoat or distraction. It helps if said partner is a racial minority, but if that’s not doable just get anyone that looks poor.

Second, remember that ebay is a great place to get deals on stuff you don’t actually want. The problem one usually runs into with auction sites is that if you’re looking for something specific, then others probably are too. What’s more, they might have the audacity to offer a reasonable price. If, however, you’re purchasing something for someone else you can base your search almost entirely off of pricing parameters. The ability to look for good deals independent of any actual desire for the product puts you, the consumer, in control. This way you can afford to give your date gifts that appear far more expensive than they actually are. And if it’s not something she’d actually want, don’t sweat it. You’re a guy; just play up how clueless you are at every opportunity and you should be fine.

Finally, a good financial planner will remind you to be constantly on the look out for cheap ways to raise your social status. Buy a sleek looking second-hand cell phone. Don’t get service for it; you don’t need to actually be able to call people to cash in for the social status. Just pull it out to periodically check your messages. You’ll never have any, of course, but she doesn’t have to know that. The other advantage of a cell phone without a service plan is that you’ll never have it go off in movie theatres, the car, or on the toilet. This added convenience is easily worth not being able to send or receive calls. More importantly than a cell phone, see if you can’t get blackmail material on someone with a nicer car. Some good leverage should be enough to wrangle it out of ‘em for the occasional date and may even save you money in the long run when you suffer your first quarter/mid/two-fifths life crisis.

All of this should get you off to a great start, but to maintain the subtle deception and dollar squeezing ballet that is dating above your means I strongly suggest a professional. Tell him James sent you.

I get discounts that way.

Best of luck,
James

*This column sponsored by William Taft Dating Financial Services, where our service is as great as our girth!

Family squabbles

"Dear James,

My husband and mother in law do not get along. They've been feuding ever since she used my husband's tie to wipe the drool off my cousin's chin while he was wearing it. My cousin's actually still pretty miffed about that too. I have, however, finally gotten him to promise to stop leaving burning bags of excrement on her porch, though she hasn't returned the favor quite yet. Ultimately, though the problem is that my mother is getting to old to care for herself and I've invited her to come live with us. Is there any way I can keep them from fighting constantly after she moves in? Also, how do I tell my husband that his mother in law will be living with us sometime next week?

Thanks,
Shell shocked Shelley"

Dear Shell shocked,

What you describe sounds much more like displays of dominance than outright hatred. Usually hatred will result in much more complicated behavior involving a combination of snarkiness, gossip, targeted ideological ranting, avoidance and even the occasional letter writing campaign. It appears that your husband and mother's sole response to each other is some variety of direct conflict. Unfortunately this type of conflict will be far more disruptive to your life than the passive aggressive bellyaching that occurs with purer variants of hatred. In fact, the pranks are actually the least of your worries. Eventually one or the other of the two is going to back down from the continuous pranking, potentially leaving the remaining contender for dominance with the impression that they have become the alpha in the family, a process that will significantly undermine the authority you may well have grown used to. You could find your TV preferences being deprioritized, or that clothing has become optional for the new head of the household. If you think it'll be bad having to watch your husband walk around with no pants all the time, just imagine what could happen if your mother wins.

Fortunately you're in a wonderful position to demonstrate dominance over both of them. By making a life altering decision for your husband without consulting him you've set yourself up to display ownership over him in general, and that his access to peace and quiet will be according to your whims alone. Now you just need to drive home the point properly. When you tell him about your mother make sure you to maintain a dominant stance. Keep your chest out and display good posture as you look him directly in the eyes, adopting a stern tone. Bring a rolled up newspaper or squirt bottle to emphasize your points, or more realistically, de-emphasize his. Likewise, use the same technique to remind your mother that sleeping indoors is a privilege. When either steps out of line make sure to punish them consistently. Even after they start to behave, make sure to remind them of your dominance from time to time with arbitrary demands. Finally, to keep them from teeming up on you make sure to let each know in private that they are your true favorite and you have to act the way you do because of how unreasonable the other is. Keep up these techniques and you'll be well on your way to becoming the undisputed tyrant of your household.


Best of luck,
James

Diary Despair

"Dear James,

I have an online diary which I write in frequently while I'm sad or angry. Sometimes my RL (real life) friends will read it and get upset over something I've written. What can I do to maintain the integrity of my diary without alienating my friends?

Frustrated in Fresno"


Dear Frustrated,

When writing an online diary open to your social circle you can run into a number of delicate situations. On the one hand the diary has traditionally been considered a great place to vent and get your more emotionally charged rants out of your system. It's even been used abundantly for simply gossiping with yourself. On the other hand the online nature of your diary has turned your most vulnerable, wretched, and scandalous thoughts into a series of press releases to your friends and the general public. Sometimes, as we've learned from Enron, there will be a backlash to such a thing.

Fortunately, learning how to talk about your darkest secrets with your friends, acquaintances, and random net pedestrians is as easy a process as making a press release about how the new toddler toy you released is simultaneously a choking hazard and highly toxic in poorly ventilated areas. People do it all the time. You need to learn to emphasize certain facets of the story while downplaying anything that would make you look bad. This is what people in the business refer to as "spin." This "spin" is exactly what you need to add to your diary to make it simultaneously diplomatic towards your audience and dramatic enough to drain you of your emotional impulses to kill, rape and maim. When discussing your more irritating friends focus not on their actions but on the results of their actions. For example; did your friend tell your crush you were home sick with (their words) "groin fungus?" You can delineate this event in your diary with such phrases as "and I found out today Jimmy knows I have a yeast infection. It was so embarrassing! I could just DIE!" Note how this focuses on your personal angst rather than the fact your friend is a dipshit. This allows you to suck up pity from your more considerate friends, guilt trip your lousy friends, and leaves you with plausible deniability against the high crime of "judging" people (something understood to be done only by Nazis and fascists). If you absolutely must blame someone, blame a higher power. Karma is always a good one, or its close cousin Fate. Avoid blaming vengeful deities. Even if they don't personally reach down from the heavens to smite you, vengeful deities attract vengeful followers and vengeful followers make up 63%* of all internet bitching and moaning. A long string of "Shiva will beat your head in with your own pelvis" comments are likely to distract from your more nuanced attempts to manipulate pity and guilt out of your readers... Or really anything you have to say at all.

But as long as you remember that you're not just writing a diary, but a manipulative news piece you should do okay.

Good Luck,
James

*Figure pulled from a camel's anus.
** No camels were harmed in the making of this blog.