Lonely Larry

“Dear James,

I live in the middle of nowhere. The only sign of civilization within 20 miles of me is a gas station, and my only social activity is to drive 50 miles into town to visit my dad in jail. I’m very lonely and might be going slowly mad. What should I do?

Lonely Larry”

Dear Larry,

While going mad is certainly a viable option, lack of a good health care plan may leave you unable to afford the expensive medication crazy people are entitled to. Without this medication to use or sell on the black market, madness has few worthwhile perks. Presuming your plan (if it exists at all) doesn’t cover boredom induced mental trauma you do still have several options. The most immediately accessible is to simply expand upon your involvement on the internet. Just take a look at any psychology text at the side effects of addiction: Lower desire to spend time with family and friends, a sense of euphoria at the computer, craving more time at the computer, reduced personal hygiene… The addicted individual can, it seems, exchange interest in social activities for interest in their computer. Since you have a computer, and do not have any social activities this can only work in your favor. You might be surprised to know that there is an ever growing population of individuals that have voluntarily given up all semblance of their real lives and eschew all real world social contact in favor of more time on the internet.

One thing to be careful of, however; Research into sensory deprivation has shown that when people are deprived of their senses, for instance by being unable to touch, hear, see or taste those you interact with, it can cause obsessive and hyper emotional responses to normally mild stimuli. If you find yourself breaking into wrenching sobs whenever someone puts a colon and the front end of a parenthesis together like so : (, or fails to respond to an "IM" with appropriate haste, or even if you’re just unable to build that full on addiction experience in the first place, you might want to move on to other options.

Building a real addiction isn’t the only replacement for friends and activities. You can also build your life around a faked addiction. Consider joining a support group for substance abuse. This can be an excellent gateway into social interaction for the inexperienced because people in the group are required to talk and listen to you. There will also frequently be some sort of snack available which you can use to replace meals, and thus alleviate your fuel costs from driving into town. Make sure you do your research before you try this option! You don’t want to look like a normal and psychologically healthy person in front of your new friends or they will boot you to the curb faster than you can blink twice. Make sure to practice your tales of woe and heartbreak in the mirror beforehand. Also be careful of anyone inviting you to join an underground boxing/terrorism organization. The food they serve at those clubs is terrible, and I've found it to be frequently infested with rat urine.

And with this advice I wish you the best of luck,
James

X-box Woes

"Dear James,

My mom won't get me an X-Box 360. She says we're not in the right tax bracket. What can I do?

Bored in Boston"


Dear bored,

When a parent says they can't afford something, they rarely mean that they lack sufficient funds for it. Instead, they've assessed the value (to them) of you having what you want this month in comparison to having the money for something they might want. The key to balancing this mental equation in your favor is in deciphering why your parents would buy you anything at all. Ever. This is in fact, very difficult to understand if you're not a parent. Afterall, when was the last time you went out and bought your younger sibling or your friend something they want just because they wanted it? Why buy something for somone that will never return the favor, is likely to forget your gift within the week, and will be asking for something else in by the end of the month? Your parents might not have originally evaluated your desires like this, but likely by the time you're five they'll have figured it out. This is likely why your mother always says no the first time you ask her for something. Of course, as children we never ask just once. This is where the miracle of wish-fulfillment happens. Sometime, over the course of the next 50 requests for the same thing something magical happens. In her mind she starts to rationalize the purchase. Perhaps it no longer seems so expensive to her, maybe she thinks your gratitude will cause you to remember mother's day this year, maybe she even assumes you won't get bored of it by the end of the week. It's tempting to dismiss these delusions as simply your mother "coming around," but this process signifies a much deeper, more instinctual process. It is a shift in how your dream gizmo/designer apparel/whatever is valued. It begins to represent hope, a strengthening of the child/parent bond, leverage, and most importantly, a temporary reprieve. Changing what an X-Box 360 really means to your mother is what's truly key here. It can't just be some flashy toy that keeps you occupied, it has to represent some idea or emotion that she can indulge herself in, even if it is just a return to the status quo.

Sometimes creating this shift of value can take more than simple repitition, however. You might consider hanging around the house more, especially when you have nothing to do. Complain loudly and frequently how bored you are, getting into trouble on a regular basis during these intervals. If your mother is the clever sort, try to arrange your acts of bored frustration so they actually end up costing her more money than your entertainment. Of course this will all appear to backfire at first. She'll claim your behavior is exactly why she doesn't buy you things, she'll ground you, in a fit of frustration she may even speak in tongues. Rest assured though, this is all a necessary part of the process. By the time the 460 comes out, she will break and you'll have what would have been the cutting age technology in video games if you'd just saved up the money and bought it for yourself 3 years ago.

Best of luck,
James

Housewide Prohibition

Dear James,



I'm 21 years old now and living with my parents while I go to school. My parents can be real control freaks sometimes, and they won't let me keep alcohol around the house, or even drink it at all while I'm at home. I hate being treated like some errant teenager, but I can't afford to both move out and go to school at the same time. What can I do?



Controlled in California





Dear Controlled,



Drinking at your parent's house needn't be that different than drinking in public places. Sure, you might need to be a bit more discreet than putting your vodka bottles in brown paper sacks, but the theory is the same. Using empty soda bottles is a good place to start for hiding the booze's physical presence, but the scent of inebriation is hard to mistake, which means if you ever plan to indulge yourself in actual drinking you might be required to make certain lifestyle changes.



Obviously the lifestyle change you won't be making is respecting your parent's wishes and acquiesce to their rules. We all understand this to mean your parent's have "won", and no American child worthy of calling themselves such wants that. Mind games and skulduggery are really your only options, preserving a longstanding tradition for children of privilege to avoid situations that inconvenience them. One old stand-by solution that's been in use for decades is to claim or arrange the desired activities to be "for school." Amongst parents homework is a sacred institution which, once assigned, may not be questioned or inhibited in any way. This doctrine stems from when children went to school with the intent of gaining training that would make them more industrious, and thus more successful. They would then use some of that success to ensure that their parents were well taken care of after retirement. While every part of this view is now obsolete, it will take a few decades for the culture to catch up with the economy. With this in mind check to see if your university offers a major in Fermentation Sciences that you can add to your existing one. If not, check out the community colleges in the surrounding area. You may be able to transfer (admittedly useless) credits from one to the other. The rest of the plan flows logically from here: making alcohol is part of your education, testing that alcohol is part of your grade, and maintaining your grade requires homework. All homework is protected by the sacred parenting doctrine which trumps personal distaste or fear of carpet stains (usually, don't go too wild with the carpet stains. Some subcultures within the parent community leave an out for protecting carpets).

If, for whatever reason your parents are having trouble following why you now have free license to booze up in their house, try discussing the earning potential of breweries in comparison to your current major in underwater basket-weaving sciences. Jointly, start frequent discussions on the state of Social Security in 20 years and problems with their 401k plan. The fear and uncertainty should overtake reason soon enough, putting you well on your way to being able to play your video games completely schnookered once again.

Best of luck,
James