"Dear James,
I fear my girlfriend is going to leave me soon. She's grown distant, and frequently seems too busy for me. I've tried giving her space, but each time I do she only seems to ask for more. What should I do?
Missing Marilyn in Missouri"
Dear Missing,
One of the most reliable ways to develop an emotional closeness to somone is to ensure they develop an unhealthy dependency upon you. Normally this is accomplished either through the complicense of your partner's personality (they are prone to developing such a dependency), or through rigorous psychological abuse. Long time readers should already be aware of how hesitant I am to give any advice involving such adjectives as "rigorous," "difficicult" or "persevering." The easy way is the bread and butter of our lives, and while it may not always be the best options, it's certainly the best-selling. So onto the quick fix.
Since you've already chosen a partner you've probably eliminated your chances of just finding a girl prone to dependencies from the get-go so I can only recomend a more difficult option; A life threatening illness. Some of the most enduring love stories are those of the cancer patient/parapalegic/terminal hangnailee and their caretaker falling madly in love and living happily ever after, or tragically romantically ever after. This sort of story arises as a fortunate consequence of our cultures very limited emotional vocabulary. We have pretty much only one meaningful descriptor for any positive relationship between any two nouns. For example; I love my wife, I love my son, I love my hamster, the camera loves me. As a general rules few if any of these forms of love mean a candlelight dinner at an overpriced restraunt, but they all use the same word and this works incredibly well to create confusion that an opportunistic individual such as yourself can take advantage of. By taking advantage of our societies tendency to confusion affection and gratitude with romantic love you can be the dashing and doting love interest that nurses her back to health.
Unfortunately, people very rarely fall deathly ill. I mean it'd be great if it happened, but let's face it, the odds aren't what you'd take to Vegas. Probably not even to Reno. Instead of waiting for her to contract a real life-threatening illness, consult your local hypochondriac who can give you a number of fairly common symptoms for incredibly dangerous diseases. Bring up various friends of friends in conversation that had the same symptoms she may be suffering from (tired in the morning, depressed at work, sore throat, etc...) and eventually died or became bedridden for life. Enough talk like this and she may start getting checked out, just in case. When she does make sure she's gone to a doctor that's recently been sued. If you're lucky he'll be so skittish about giving a falsly negative diagnosis he'll come up with all sorts of diseases she could have in order to cover his rear. Who knows? You might even luck out and she'll actually have something rather nasty.
And don't forget, if you fail on the disease front there's still life-altering injuries. See if you can get her to take up mountain climbing with you, or even babysitting if you're really desperate. With any luck you'll have you very own completely dependent mostly paralyzed attention sink for the rest of your natural life.
Best of Luck,
James
I fear my girlfriend is going to leave me soon. She's grown distant, and frequently seems too busy for me. I've tried giving her space, but each time I do she only seems to ask for more. What should I do?
Missing Marilyn in Missouri"
Dear Missing,
One of the most reliable ways to develop an emotional closeness to somone is to ensure they develop an unhealthy dependency upon you. Normally this is accomplished either through the complicense of your partner's personality (they are prone to developing such a dependency), or through rigorous psychological abuse. Long time readers should already be aware of how hesitant I am to give any advice involving such adjectives as "rigorous," "difficicult" or "persevering." The easy way is the bread and butter of our lives, and while it may not always be the best options, it's certainly the best-selling. So onto the quick fix.
Since you've already chosen a partner you've probably eliminated your chances of just finding a girl prone to dependencies from the get-go so I can only recomend a more difficult option; A life threatening illness. Some of the most enduring love stories are those of the cancer patient/parapalegic/terminal hangnailee and their caretaker falling madly in love and living happily ever after, or tragically romantically ever after. This sort of story arises as a fortunate consequence of our cultures very limited emotional vocabulary. We have pretty much only one meaningful descriptor for any positive relationship between any two nouns. For example; I love my wife, I love my son, I love my hamster, the camera loves me. As a general rules few if any of these forms of love mean a candlelight dinner at an overpriced restraunt, but they all use the same word and this works incredibly well to create confusion that an opportunistic individual such as yourself can take advantage of. By taking advantage of our societies tendency to confusion affection and gratitude with romantic love you can be the dashing and doting love interest that nurses her back to health.
Unfortunately, people very rarely fall deathly ill. I mean it'd be great if it happened, but let's face it, the odds aren't what you'd take to Vegas. Probably not even to Reno. Instead of waiting for her to contract a real life-threatening illness, consult your local hypochondriac who can give you a number of fairly common symptoms for incredibly dangerous diseases. Bring up various friends of friends in conversation that had the same symptoms she may be suffering from (tired in the morning, depressed at work, sore throat, etc...) and eventually died or became bedridden for life. Enough talk like this and she may start getting checked out, just in case. When she does make sure she's gone to a doctor that's recently been sued. If you're lucky he'll be so skittish about giving a falsly negative diagnosis he'll come up with all sorts of diseases she could have in order to cover his rear. Who knows? You might even luck out and she'll actually have something rather nasty.
And don't forget, if you fail on the disease front there's still life-altering injuries. See if you can get her to take up mountain climbing with you, or even babysitting if you're really desperate. With any luck you'll have you very own completely dependent mostly paralyzed attention sink for the rest of your natural life.
Best of Luck,
James
posted by James at 8:17 PM
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