Hair loss: not as bad as incontinence...
"Dear James,
Over the last several years I have noticed a considerable thinning up top, and have recently become obsessed about what I should do. I catch myself looking at people in the subway, on the bus, and even in the latrine (looking at their hair). Anyways, I have started wondering... as my baldness becomes more apparent, what should I do? I have recently began considering the options - stealing other people's hair, replacing the hair on my head with my ever plentiful pubic hair, combing hair from the sides of my head to the middle, or even burning the remaining strands in a bloody and raunchy debacle. As you also seem to be suffering from the same LOHC (loss of hair condition), I was wondering if you have any words of wisdom?
- Floopy"
Dear Floopy,
Aging brings on many changes that we, as a culture that reveres youth, have become ill-suited at adapting to. For the most unfortunate of us wrinkles, physical frailty, graying and baldness will strike in a staggering flurry as startling and socially crippling as any of the uncontrolled bowel movements that accompanies them. Fortunately for you, your physiology has chosen to introduce you to the cultural exile of old age at a slow and easy pace, allowing you plenty of time to adapt to your growing obsolescence. Do not waste this grace period. You can begin your search for the best bingo games now, calculating the parlors with the greatest payout, and highest concentration of young hotties (fifty somethings) while you still have your eyesight and ability to drive in a straight line. You should also be aware that many magazines for the elderly give big discounts if you sign up for a subscription lasting longer than they think their readers will live for. For instance Crotchety Geezer Monthly gives out free golf carts to all its 20 year subscribers. At the same time, because you're in a nebulous "twilight" period of aging you can continue participating in the fringe section of our youth culture. To aid in this it might be helpful to adapt a style that distracts from the markings of old age. How you do this will depend on which subcultural fringe you choose to hide within. Hooligans, for instance, frequently use paint or make-up to adopt a visage so bizarre that few would have the presence of mind to contemplate your bald spots. Meanwhile transexuals frequently use extravagant means to disguise many aspects of their appearance, often resulting in people being too preoccupied figuring out your gender to consider what might be beneath your wig.
Regardless of how you decide to approach your hair loss, try to hold on to the nervous obsession you've developed about it. You'll find it very useful later on when you need to keep yourself distracted from the onset of wrinkles.
Best of luck,
James
(to request advice from James or provide fake sponsorship for this column either leave a comment or email advicefromjames@hotmail.com.)
Over the last several years I have noticed a considerable thinning up top, and have recently become obsessed about what I should do. I catch myself looking at people in the subway, on the bus, and even in the latrine (looking at their hair). Anyways, I have started wondering... as my baldness becomes more apparent, what should I do? I have recently began considering the options - stealing other people's hair, replacing the hair on my head with my ever plentiful pubic hair, combing hair from the sides of my head to the middle, or even burning the remaining strands in a bloody and raunchy debacle. As you also seem to be suffering from the same LOHC (loss of hair condition), I was wondering if you have any words of wisdom?
- Floopy"
Dear Floopy,
Aging brings on many changes that we, as a culture that reveres youth, have become ill-suited at adapting to. For the most unfortunate of us wrinkles, physical frailty, graying and baldness will strike in a staggering flurry as startling and socially crippling as any of the uncontrolled bowel movements that accompanies them. Fortunately for you, your physiology has chosen to introduce you to the cultural exile of old age at a slow and easy pace, allowing you plenty of time to adapt to your growing obsolescence. Do not waste this grace period. You can begin your search for the best bingo games now, calculating the parlors with the greatest payout, and highest concentration of young hotties (fifty somethings) while you still have your eyesight and ability to drive in a straight line. You should also be aware that many magazines for the elderly give big discounts if you sign up for a subscription lasting longer than they think their readers will live for. For instance Crotchety Geezer Monthly gives out free golf carts to all its 20 year subscribers. At the same time, because you're in a nebulous "twilight" period of aging you can continue participating in the fringe section of our youth culture. To aid in this it might be helpful to adapt a style that distracts from the markings of old age. How you do this will depend on which subcultural fringe you choose to hide within. Hooligans, for instance, frequently use paint or make-up to adopt a visage so bizarre that few would have the presence of mind to contemplate your bald spots. Meanwhile transexuals frequently use extravagant means to disguise many aspects of their appearance, often resulting in people being too preoccupied figuring out your gender to consider what might be beneath your wig.
Regardless of how you decide to approach your hair loss, try to hold on to the nervous obsession you've developed about it. You'll find it very useful later on when you need to keep yourself distracted from the onset of wrinkles.
Best of luck,
James
(to request advice from James or provide fake sponsorship for this column either leave a comment or email advicefromjames@hotmail.com.)
posted by James at 4:48 PM
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