Advice on Etiquette, Part III
And after a week's hiatus for Independence celebrations and the like...
How to end a conversation.
A survey of sociologists recently revealed a belief that Americans waste as much as a billion hours each year in awkward attempts at ending completed conversations. In the workplace alone our unwieldly goodbyes are believed to account for twenty kagillion dollars of lost productivity in the workplace. This trend of wasted time traces all the way back to colonial times when America's primary purpose in the eyes of the world was the exchange of goods. This ended up creating a narrow focus in the fledgling American culture's development which had repercussions that echo even in today's society. As a result, today we are nearly devoid of social traditions outside of the business transaction. In fact it is not widely denied by historians that much of the initial tension between colonists and the native populations came from our tendency to turn our backs immediately after a transaction and begin discussing the popular sporting events of the time. Though it is actually hypothesized that this wouldn't have been quite so damaging had the colonists not been so possessed of the penchance for naming teams after revered spirits of native tribes, and describing these sporting events in extremely "colorful" language. Conceiving of such was, however, well beyond the social consciousness of the time.
Today, while many of us are more aware of what not to do in ending a conversation, we are left socially paralyzed when deciding how to move on with our lives after its conclusion. Because we have no clear tradition to guide us it becomes appropriate to divine our course from similar situations. This means we have to jury-rig a variety of related rituals together. With duct tape.
With this in mind consider the end to some of our other social rituals. For instance many people bring the mating ritual to a close by lighting up a cigarette. Of course you can't always light up a cigarette at the close of every conversation, but consider some other ways to occupy your mouth so that you're no longer obligated to speak. The most often used replacement for a cigarette is some sort of food stuff. Your ideal choice will be something with the necessary consistency to make speaking either impossible, or really disgusting. Peanut butter, a large wad of chewing gum, or maybe just a strip of raw-hide are all good choices. All you need to do is wait for the briefest lull and then pop the object of choice into your mouth just as you wave goodbye. This should signify both that your partner shouldn't wait for you to finish, and that you'll be unable to make any last second addendums to what's been said.
Along the same lines consider the beginning of a conversation. What was its purpose? Often times people talk merely to fill an uncomfortable silence. If you can arrange for that silence to be filled with something else, something that doesn't require any more input from you, it should be much easier to break off from the conversation. Try holding your conversations near the tracks of a train station, or perhaps in the presence of a small child. The noxious and overwhelming sound that these objects regularly emit can make speech nearly impossible, and provide a handy excuse for a concise non-verbal goodbye.
If all else has failed and you can't think of a way to leave without seeming abrupt and uninterested in your partner, consider providing encouragement to them to end the conversation. Feel the urge to pick your nose? Do it. Feel like breaking into The Song That Never Ends? Just mention you've got it stuck in your head, and then start singing. Sure, this behavior seems noxious. But if you've spent the last half hour talking about absolutely nothing you're going to find that even the most desperate of measures looking tempting.
Best of luck,
James
Today's advice brought to you by Newtonian Physics. When it absolutely positively has to be on the ground now accept no substitute. Now with special rates on apples.
(To request advice or provide sponsorship for an advice column send mail to advicefromjames@hotmail.com or leave a comment)
How to end a conversation.
A survey of sociologists recently revealed a belief that Americans waste as much as a billion hours each year in awkward attempts at ending completed conversations. In the workplace alone our unwieldly goodbyes are believed to account for twenty kagillion dollars of lost productivity in the workplace. This trend of wasted time traces all the way back to colonial times when America's primary purpose in the eyes of the world was the exchange of goods. This ended up creating a narrow focus in the fledgling American culture's development which had repercussions that echo even in today's society. As a result, today we are nearly devoid of social traditions outside of the business transaction. In fact it is not widely denied by historians that much of the initial tension between colonists and the native populations came from our tendency to turn our backs immediately after a transaction and begin discussing the popular sporting events of the time. Though it is actually hypothesized that this wouldn't have been quite so damaging had the colonists not been so possessed of the penchance for naming teams after revered spirits of native tribes, and describing these sporting events in extremely "colorful" language. Conceiving of such was, however, well beyond the social consciousness of the time.
Today, while many of us are more aware of what not to do in ending a conversation, we are left socially paralyzed when deciding how to move on with our lives after its conclusion. Because we have no clear tradition to guide us it becomes appropriate to divine our course from similar situations. This means we have to jury-rig a variety of related rituals together. With duct tape.
With this in mind consider the end to some of our other social rituals. For instance many people bring the mating ritual to a close by lighting up a cigarette. Of course you can't always light up a cigarette at the close of every conversation, but consider some other ways to occupy your mouth so that you're no longer obligated to speak. The most often used replacement for a cigarette is some sort of food stuff. Your ideal choice will be something with the necessary consistency to make speaking either impossible, or really disgusting. Peanut butter, a large wad of chewing gum, or maybe just a strip of raw-hide are all good choices. All you need to do is wait for the briefest lull and then pop the object of choice into your mouth just as you wave goodbye. This should signify both that your partner shouldn't wait for you to finish, and that you'll be unable to make any last second addendums to what's been said.
Along the same lines consider the beginning of a conversation. What was its purpose? Often times people talk merely to fill an uncomfortable silence. If you can arrange for that silence to be filled with something else, something that doesn't require any more input from you, it should be much easier to break off from the conversation. Try holding your conversations near the tracks of a train station, or perhaps in the presence of a small child. The noxious and overwhelming sound that these objects regularly emit can make speech nearly impossible, and provide a handy excuse for a concise non-verbal goodbye.
If all else has failed and you can't think of a way to leave without seeming abrupt and uninterested in your partner, consider providing encouragement to them to end the conversation. Feel the urge to pick your nose? Do it. Feel like breaking into The Song That Never Ends? Just mention you've got it stuck in your head, and then start singing. Sure, this behavior seems noxious. But if you've spent the last half hour talking about absolutely nothing you're going to find that even the most desperate of measures looking tempting.
Best of luck,
James
Today's advice brought to you by Newtonian Physics. When it absolutely positively has to be on the ground now accept no substitute. Now with special rates on apples.
(To request advice or provide sponsorship for an advice column send mail to advicefromjames@hotmail.com or leave a comment)
posted by James at 11:23 PM
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