Advice on Etiquette, Part II
One of the most frequent snafus made in polite company is unintended commentary. Perhaps you have a compulsion to immediately and loudly announce each time you sight a peculiarly ugly baby. Maybe your sense of fashion is so second nature that you’ve found yourself remarking on how badly someone’s shirt goes with his pasty complexion before you’ve even registered that your boss can wear whatever he damn well pleases. If you find this a chronic problem of yours you may consider investing in a portable white noise generator. This can give you freedom to indulge in your base and primal fashion-based urges.
If you don’t slip out inappropriate commentary enough to justify purchase of a white noise generator, or you simply forgot to bring it with you then you can try this quick fix solution. Pretend your comment was part of a spontaneous recitation of a play you’re rehearsing for. Try to come up with a few hip, modernistic play titles in advance for such an occasion, or you could even use real but obscure plays. Just make sure that you improvise a continuation of your insults to make it seem to the offended individual that the comments are in fact better fitted to an eccentric thespian than an inconsiderate jackass. If you have a friend with you try to get them to play along. A prompt such as “Your line Ingrid” should get them on board while also advertising to those around you that the comment had nothing to do with them.
If they decide to confront you on the matter anyway, try to justify your explanation by denying the truth of your previous statement. For example “How could I possibly be talking about your baby? That monobrow is adorable, and the way that mucus has pooled around his lip really brings out his eyes.” Hopefully they won’t be able to come up with a way to admit your insult without also admitting their child looks like three day old road kill.
If all of the above fails don’t forget that there’s always one last resort. Pretend to be a tourist. This sort of behavior is expected of tourists, though it may help to purchase a US travel guide to complete the illusion of cultural ignorance.
Best of luck,
James
Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by the Indian Board of Tourism. “Come to India, we promise we still have some room left.”
(To request advice from James email advicefromjames@hotmail.com, or leave a comment below.)
If you don’t slip out inappropriate commentary enough to justify purchase of a white noise generator, or you simply forgot to bring it with you then you can try this quick fix solution. Pretend your comment was part of a spontaneous recitation of a play you’re rehearsing for. Try to come up with a few hip, modernistic play titles in advance for such an occasion, or you could even use real but obscure plays. Just make sure that you improvise a continuation of your insults to make it seem to the offended individual that the comments are in fact better fitted to an eccentric thespian than an inconsiderate jackass. If you have a friend with you try to get them to play along. A prompt such as “Your line Ingrid” should get them on board while also advertising to those around you that the comment had nothing to do with them.
If they decide to confront you on the matter anyway, try to justify your explanation by denying the truth of your previous statement. For example “How could I possibly be talking about your baby? That monobrow is adorable, and the way that mucus has pooled around his lip really brings out his eyes.” Hopefully they won’t be able to come up with a way to admit your insult without also admitting their child looks like three day old road kill.
If all of the above fails don’t forget that there’s always one last resort. Pretend to be a tourist. This sort of behavior is expected of tourists, though it may help to purchase a US travel guide to complete the illusion of cultural ignorance.
Best of luck,
James
Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by the Indian Board of Tourism. “Come to India, we promise we still have some room left.”
(To request advice from James email advicefromjames@hotmail.com, or leave a comment below.)
posted by James at 2:39 PM
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