One hit wonders

"Dear James,

A friend of mine has been searching for a mate on the online personal ads. She met one guy in person and became extremely attached to him. A week after their first and only meeting, he is now telling her that he is moving to a city that is three hours away because he got a fantastic job offer. She is very disappointed and upset and says that she will greatly miss him. What I don't understand is: How can someone get so attached to another person after only meeting one time? She wants a sympathetic ear and needs cheering up- I am going to try my best, but I worry that I will come across as sounding more like a mom that tells her to get to know a person first before attaching yourself to them.

-Friend, but feels more like Mom"

Dear Mom,

Understanding how your friend feels will be difficult. It may help to know that is it logically more tenable for people to seem perfect after one date rather than maintaining an illusion of flawlessness over the course of a relationship. Nonetheless, conceptualizing her attachment may take some research. Try to line up a succession of men, dating each only once. While you may have trouble forming a strong attachment in one date, the sheere quantity of weak attractions to these men will provide you some simulation of her experience. Even if this doesn't provide you a good sense of empathy it should take up enough time that your friend will mostly recuperate on her own during the interim.

It may be, however, that your friend will become impatient, demanding more immediate assistance. In this case formulate a list of cliche phrases from a variety of romance movies. Remember to change the appropriate names, then memorize as many as you can. Do not deviate from your list, reciting each in succession until she appears emotionally sated. This structured approach will prevent you from accidentally allowing some common sense or rationality to interferee with your advice and support.

As a final unrelated note, remember to bring a change of shirt in case things get mucusy.

Best of luck,
James

Good ol' tight-ass fun!

"Dear james,

I am a TYPE A personality. People say I am too controlling. I have limited amounts of fun in my life. I spend too much time working on homework and projects which are pointless. What should I do to remedy my social dullness?"

As a society focused around rebellion and youth the concepts of power and control have gotten a bad wrap as being "stodgy," "anal," or even "fascist." As children we are bombarded by fantastic stories of overbearing adults wielding their authority to interfere with the fun of the protagonists. What is often overlooked in the interpretations of these stories is why the authorities wield their powers so arbitrarily. As it turns out, studies have shown it's actually a great deal of fun to inflict your whims on others. Experts in Fringe science have hypothesized that this is because of an undiscovered fourth law of thermodynamics whereby all fun in the universe must ultimately equal a net zero. This means that the more "negative" fun you give others, the more "positive" fun will be available to you.

With this in mind try to put yourself in charge of projects that have wide ranging effects on those around you. Avoid endeavors with naturally democratic undertones in favor of those that distribute tyrannical control over a helpless populace. In short, take up babysitting.

If on the other hand you insist on "broadening your horizons" and "experiencing new things" in your pursuit of being a fun person then you may try participating in activities that are less structured. These should force you to take on a reactive role rather than a proactive one, thus shunting responsibility for your entertainment onto others. For example, take a dance class or participate at the grunt level in a team sport like dodgeball (the ultimate in reactive fun). If these are too physical for you, try talking at length with telemarketers.

You may similarly consider taking a few classes where the homework could be considered "fun." Photography, brewing, pottery and experimental psychology are all good examples of classes that tend to assign fun and amusing activities as homework. You should also begin the process of making more friends, screening each new applicant for a host of misdemeanors. If they have at least four on their record then they're probably worth the investment of time and money that friends (especially broke friends) tend to demand.

While these strategies will not instantly make you into the freewheeling drain on society most people celebrate as "free spirited," your life should gradually become far more interesting both for yourself and any friends that you manage to hold onto through the process.

Best of luck,
James

Hair loss: not as bad as incontinence...

"Dear James,

Over the last several years I have noticed a considerable thinning up top, and have recently become obsessed about what I should do. I catch myself looking at people in the subway, on the bus, and even in the latrine (looking at their hair). Anyways, I have started wondering... as my baldness becomes more apparent, what should I do? I have recently began considering the options - stealing other people's hair, replacing the hair on my head with my ever plentiful pubic hair, combing hair from the sides of my head to the middle, or even burning the remaining strands in a bloody and raunchy debacle. As you also seem to be suffering from the same LOHC (loss of hair condition), I was wondering if you have any words of wisdom?

- Floopy"

Dear Floopy,

Aging brings on many changes that we, as a culture that reveres youth, have become ill-suited at adapting to. For the most unfortunate of us wrinkles, physical frailty, graying and baldness will strike in a staggering flurry as startling and socially crippling as any of the uncontrolled bowel movements that accompanies them. Fortunately for you, your physiology has chosen to introduce you to the cultural exile of old age at a slow and easy pace, allowing you plenty of time to adapt to your growing obsolescence. Do not waste this grace period. You can begin your search for the best bingo games now, calculating the parlors with the greatest payout, and highest concentration of young hotties (fifty somethings) while you still have your eyesight and ability to drive in a straight line. You should also be aware that many magazines for the elderly give big discounts if you sign up for a subscription lasting longer than they think their readers will live for. For instance Crotchety Geezer Monthly gives out free golf carts to all its 20 year subscribers. At the same time, because you're in a nebulous "twilight" period of aging you can continue participating in the fringe section of our youth culture. To aid in this it might be helpful to adapt a style that distracts from the markings of old age. How you do this will depend on which subcultural fringe you choose to hide within. Hooligans, for instance, frequently use paint or make-up to adopt a visage so bizarre that few would have the presence of mind to contemplate your bald spots. Meanwhile transexuals frequently use extravagant means to disguise many aspects of their appearance, often resulting in people being too preoccupied figuring out your gender to consider what might be beneath your wig.

Regardless of how you decide to approach your hair loss, try to hold on to the nervous obsession you've developed about it. You'll find it very useful later on when you need to keep yourself distracted from the onset of wrinkles.

Best of luck,
James

(to request advice from James or provide fake sponsorship for this column either leave a comment or email advicefromjames@hotmail.com.)

On Backseat Drivers

Today's advice comes from guest writer Kathy Vanwormer, a proclaimed expert on topics of advanced drivology and nose into buisness placement. And without further adieu...


Dear James,

I have compiled the following essay to educate the public on backseat drivers. Please share this information with your readers.

Sincerely,
Kathy

On the Importance of Backseat Drivers

Many people in our society fail to see the necessity and wisdom of backseat drivers. This is a grave mistake to make, as having extra eyes, ears, and a mouth is often essential to the proper operation of a vehicle.

First, it is necessary to identify a backseat driver. The most important aspect of a backseat driver is that their two cents are not solicited by the driver, but instead are given by the free will of the participating driving assistant. The term “backseat” can be misleading as a backseat driver can sit in any position in the car except for the driver’s seat. It is best to sit in the back right or front passenger positions to have a better view of the speedometer, blinker indicators, and driver’s feet. A backseat driver is someone who positions themselves and then shares thoughts, ideas, or observations related to the operation of the vehicle. Some backseat drivers are called “navigators” while others are “vehicle operation experts”, giving navigational and operational advice, respectively. A backseat driver can also take both of these positions simultaneously, offering the most extensive help to the driver possible.

A backseat driver’s main responsibility is to the safety of the vehicle. This includes reminding the driver when they are driving too fast for the legal speed or current conditions, if they are stopping too late or accelerating too quickly, or if they fail to follow any other safety rule such as stopping completely at stop signs to the letter. As driving is a difficult task, the reminders must come often enough to keep these considerations fresh in the driver’s mind, perhaps every 30 seconds to 1 minute. The backseat driver must also serve as the eyes for the driver when looking to the right, especially when backing out of a parking spot. They should also alert the driver when any other car comes within 500 feet of the vehicle, helping to maintain a safety bubble around the car.

The secondary responsibilities of a backseat driver are related to the navigation of the vehicle. This includes but is not limited to: reminding the driver which lane to be in at all times to achieve the desired destination, announcing “forward!”, “left!”, or “right!” at every intersection, and improvising routes when the driver seems lost or confused to keep the vehicle on the right path. It may be necessary to extensively unfold a very large map in the front seat when the driver is severely lost, making sure to hold it close enough for him/her to read their location.

Another less common responsibility of a backseat driver is to answer cell phones or make calls for the driver. If the drivers phone rings, it is safest if the backseat driver answers it, no matter who the caller may be. The backseat driver should feel free to divulge information about the location and intents of the driver upon request. Sending messages from the driver's phone can also relieve the driver of the task of trying to message friends and family while operating a vehicle. All of this correspondence can easily and efficiently be carried out by the backseat driver.

This short essay was written to educate people on the importance of backseat drivers. Next time you are driving and one of your friends is being helpful in these ways, don’t tell them to be quiet, instead salute them and thank them for their effective efforts!

***
Coming up next: Hair loss and how it contributes to voyeurism, and a mystery celebrity asks for help on cutting loose! All this coming up sometime this week on Advice From James.

Advice on Etiquette, Part III

And after a week's hiatus for Independence celebrations and the like...

How to end a conversation.

A survey of sociologists recently revealed a belief that Americans waste as much as a billion hours each year in awkward attempts at ending completed conversations. In the workplace alone our unwieldly goodbyes are believed to account for twenty kagillion dollars of lost productivity in the workplace. This trend of wasted time traces all the way back to colonial times when America's primary purpose in the eyes of the world was the exchange of goods. This ended up creating a narrow focus in the fledgling American culture's development which had repercussions that echo even in today's society. As a result, today we are nearly devoid of social traditions outside of the business transaction. In fact it is not widely denied by historians that much of the initial tension between colonists and the native populations came from our tendency to turn our backs immediately after a transaction and begin discussing the popular sporting events of the time. Though it is actually hypothesized that this wouldn't have been quite so damaging had the colonists not been so possessed of the penchance for naming teams after revered spirits of native tribes, and describing these sporting events in extremely "colorful" language. Conceiving of such was, however, well beyond the social consciousness of the time.

Today, while many of us are more aware of what not to do in ending a conversation, we are left socially paralyzed when deciding how to move on with our lives after its conclusion. Because we have no clear tradition to guide us it becomes appropriate to divine our course from similar situations. This means we have to jury-rig a variety of related rituals together. With duct tape.

With this in mind consider the end to some of our other social rituals. For instance many people bring the mating ritual to a close by lighting up a cigarette. Of course you can't always light up a cigarette at the close of every conversation, but consider some other ways to occupy your mouth so that you're no longer obligated to speak. The most often used replacement for a cigarette is some sort of food stuff. Your ideal choice will be something with the necessary consistency to make speaking either impossible, or really disgusting. Peanut butter, a large wad of chewing gum, or maybe just a strip of raw-hide are all good choices. All you need to do is wait for the briefest lull and then pop the object of choice into your mouth just as you wave goodbye. This should signify both that your partner shouldn't wait for you to finish, and that you'll be unable to make any last second addendums to what's been said.

Along the same lines consider the beginning of a conversation. What was its purpose? Often times people talk merely to fill an uncomfortable silence. If you can arrange for that silence to be filled with something else, something that doesn't require any more input from you, it should be much easier to break off from the conversation. Try holding your conversations near the tracks of a train station, or perhaps in the presence of a small child. The noxious and overwhelming sound that these objects regularly emit can make speech nearly impossible, and provide a handy excuse for a concise non-verbal goodbye.

If all else has failed and you can't think of a way to leave without seeming abrupt and uninterested in your partner, consider providing encouragement to them to end the conversation. Feel the urge to pick your nose? Do it. Feel like breaking into The Song That Never Ends? Just mention you've got it stuck in your head, and then start singing. Sure, this behavior seems noxious. But if you've spent the last half hour talking about absolutely nothing you're going to find that even the most desperate of measures looking tempting.

Best of luck,
James

Today's advice brought to you by Newtonian Physics. When it absolutely positively has to be on the ground now accept no substitute. Now with special rates on apples.

(To request advice or provide sponsorship for an advice column send mail to advicefromjames@hotmail.com or leave a comment)

Advice on Etiquette, Part II

One of the most frequent snafus made in polite company is unintended commentary. Perhaps you have a compulsion to immediately and loudly announce each time you sight a peculiarly ugly baby. Maybe your sense of fashion is so second nature that you’ve found yourself remarking on how badly someone’s shirt goes with his pasty complexion before you’ve even registered that your boss can wear whatever he damn well pleases. If you find this a chronic problem of yours you may consider investing in a portable white noise generator. This can give you freedom to indulge in your base and primal fashion-based urges.

If you don’t slip out inappropriate commentary enough to justify purchase of a white noise generator, or you simply forgot to bring it with you then you can try this quick fix solution. Pretend your comment was part of a spontaneous recitation of a play you’re rehearsing for. Try to come up with a few hip, modernistic play titles in advance for such an occasion, or you could even use real but obscure plays. Just make sure that you improvise a continuation of your insults to make it seem to the offended individual that the comments are in fact better fitted to an eccentric thespian than an inconsiderate jackass. If you have a friend with you try to get them to play along. A prompt such as “Your line Ingrid” should get them on board while also advertising to those around you that the comment had nothing to do with them.

If they decide to confront you on the matter anyway, try to justify your explanation by denying the truth of your previous statement. For example “How could I possibly be talking about your baby? That monobrow is adorable, and the way that mucus has pooled around his lip really brings out his eyes.” Hopefully they won’t be able to come up with a way to admit your insult without also admitting their child looks like three day old road kill.

If all of the above fails don’t forget that there’s always one last resort. Pretend to be a tourist. This sort of behavior is expected of tourists, though it may help to purchase a US travel guide to complete the illusion of cultural ignorance.

Best of luck,
James

Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by the Indian Board of Tourism. “Come to India, we promise we still have some room left.”

(To request advice from James email advicefromjames@hotmail.com, or leave a comment below.)