Advice on Etiquette, Part I

Parties and social exclusion:

If Machiavelli really wanted to make it into the popular literature he should have written a book on throwing a party. In our day to day lives, the prospect of throwing a party will often bring out the most manipulative politician in all of us, and nowhere is this more true than the act of putting together a guest list. So what do you do when you're friends with, or somehow socially dependent on someone who's presence will make the party less enjoyable? Or worse, someone who will steal your limelight?

To answer this it is probably most apt to look back into the society of ancient Rome. It is a little known fact that the Roman political system was actually designed around the propagation of wild parties. The dream, in fact, was to one day extend a giant infrastructure of celebration across the entire continent of Europe, something that would support a party so grandiose that it would live on throughout history. Alas, the plan never reached fruition, and was ultimately eclipsed by Mardi Gras many centuries later anyways. Nonetheless, the political methodology for party throwing is still used today.

Now because of the nature of a Roman party it was a vitally important hygiene issue for ancient Roman senators to have a strict control of the guest lists for their more important 'functions'. Originally they maintained this control by starting a constant stream of wars. They would then appoint important, but socially undesirable individuals to lead troops on vast and glorious foreign campaigns "for the glory of Rome." You might wonder on how this could be applicable in modern times? I mean starting a war is a time consuming affair, and getting others to fight it for you would require an unfathomable propaganda campaign. However, you may consider taking the idea without every literal detail. Try organizing your parties during events that will draw away as many undesirables as you can. Funerals and weddings tend to be ideal as they are planned in advance, and usually have a great deal of stigma assigned to those who would dash out on an RSVPed invitation. If none are handy though, try school events, sports events, season finales, or important religious holidays. Just make sure that your regular partygoers are either uninterested or unaffected by whatever event you pick.

Eventually it was mentioned by a naive young aide that starting a war just to get Levidius the Leper out of town might be a bit unethical. This didn't really create much of a stir (or any, in fact) until it was also mentioned that many of the individuals sent to war were not necessarily very good at it, causing some fairly major losses for the Roman Empire at large. A new and more broadly applicable strategy was needed. And so it was that the decoy party was invented. The popular senators had bathhouses specially created in which parties for the socially undesirable were held to turn attention away from the cool parties. These were invariably stocked with plentiful and potent (though usually low quality) stores of wine, and the cool senators would have a rotation where they would have to mandatorily throw and attend these parties to keep up appearances. Unlike the option of constant military conquest this lesson is far more applicable in today's partying atmosphere. Waiting for the less popular people to throw a party at the same time that you eventually announce your own for is a time honored tradition amongst many high school cultures, although there it is more frequently used as a means to squash unwitting political rivals.

Eventually it became necessary to exclude senators who were too popular, too handsome, or just too charming to be allowed to attend a party with the more self-obsessed organizers. This brought up a difficult conundrum. How do you exclude someone that most of your guests want to attend? After all, your guests are bound to ask of both you and your excluded why s/he didn't join in the festivities. And if you get a reputation for intentionally excluding people everyone wants to talk to then people will stop coming to your parties. Its for these occasions that the last minute invite was invented. With this solution you simply wait until the party is just about to start (or preferably, is already half way over) before you give your 'good friend' a ring to ask them why they're not there. If you're lucky they're already busy with something more important (they are popular after all). Even if they're not, you'll have a decent percentage of the party to be the 'cool kid', hopefully enough to fuel up your ego for the inevitable onslaught upon your self worth of not being the most liked person in the room.

Obviously this worked better in Roman times when the primary means of communication required a runner and a written message. Although even in modern day you can finegal this as an acceptable means of delivering invitations. This is what 'theme' parties are for.

Regardless, best of luck. Throwing a party is an ego trip like none other so enjoy the ride.

Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by someone who stiffed me my $.03 advertisement charge. You get nothin' until I get my wire you bastard!

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Daily Advice for Friday, June 23rd

Weekly Topic: Finance

I was recently approached about an investment opportunity regarding a crop of 'magic beans'. What should I do?

Magic beans, snake oil elixers; back in the day these were once a staple part of the economy. Purveyors of these fine placebos would selflessly risk life and limb to give people some momentary glimpse of hope in their lives. They were true heroes. Nowadays such a profession can indeed be quite dangerous. We have all sorts of consumer protection laws, licensing requirements, FDA approvals and the like that make such merchant's lives very difficult. Most have been forced out of the country, relying on relentless spam mail to hawk their wares. Once in a great while you may actually still find a street vendor dealing out of his trench coat.

Now obviously you don't actually want to expend your hard earned money on a package of useless beans, but fortunately you don't have too. Most vendors using this age old ploy are actually either schizophrenic or delusional, and may well fall for the same line given the chance. Try offering them your invisible cow, or perhaps a free session of chi-focusing acupuncture using the magical monofilament needles you carry around in your hand. If you're convincing enough you may just make a trade, and your vendor will walk away happy.

But don't forget, as soon as you're done go plant the beans. You usually only have about 10 minutes of freshness once purchased and you don't want them to go to waste!

Today's Daily Advice has been brought to you by Honest Al's bean emporium. Every bean you could ever imagine, sold in its original imaginary state.

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Daily Advice for Thursday, June 22nd

Weekly Topic: Finance

How to lend money to friends.

As a general rule, lending money to people is a very risky endeavor that has very limited payoffs. Many of us don’t even ever expect the money back, we lend it because we don’t wish to look like a douche, and thus having social interaction withheld from us because of our stinginess. Sometimes it can start to be a strain on our finances to always be paying out for this reason, so here are a few ways to mitigate your losses:

1) If you can, always try to loan less than you’re asked for. Usually people will have hard time getting upset with you while you’re handing them the money they need. Use that moment of vulnerability to make a few lame excuses about why you can’t give them the full amount. Try to arrange it so that you’re actually withholding the money until they nod in acceptance of your explanation.

Note that this may have the added benefit of preventing your friend from purchasing that which he was borrowing the money for. This will make it easier to collect on the debt later.

2) Whenever possible, try to purchase your friend’s affection with renewable resources. Instead of lending them money, use that money to invest in things that you both need. Then lend those tools/games/pornography to them on a regular basis. This will prevent them from ostracizing you for not giving them money.

3) If you’ve already accepted that you’re not likely to ever again see the money you lend, consider trying to borrow something of your friend’s at the same time s/he borrows the money. Etiquette will dictate that your friend must loan you anything s/he’s not in the process of using (or can pretend s/he’s using). Make sure you choose carefully though, as you’ll only get one shot at trying to borrow something before you give the appearance of “scavenging” your friend’s belongings in a moment of need.

Note: If you’re in a vindictive mood you can use this borrowed object later as collateral for collecting on your friend’s debt.

Finally, if your friend is a frequent borrower, don’t be afraid to say no. Likely they don’t have the resources to go out and make other friends anyhow, so they won’t be in a position to ostracize or guilt you effectively.

Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by the letter K K, we may be entirely redundant with the existence of C, but we’ve got style!

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Charity on the Go

"Dear James,

What should I do if there's a homeless person by a stop light that's green? I mean, is it okay to roll down my window and throw a sandwich at him as I pass by? Or maybe not a sandwich, but a juice box or package of fruits snacks?

Sincerely,
Charity in a Hurry"

Dear Charity,

When throwing food at people it is important to consider two things; the durability of the food, and the velocity at which it will be traveling. Now most of the homeless are considerate enough to stand on the curb next to the street, likely only a few feet from where you'll pass by them. If you're moving in moderate to heavy traffic the food object won't need to travel too quickly, and you might even be able to stop before throwing it to improve your accuracy. In this situation you should gently lob your meal as close to the target as possible, though if necessary, try to err on the side of distance. Accidentally tossing the food into the street can have disastrous consequences. Under these circumstances you are justified in throwing anything edible that can't reasonably be used as an effective projectile weapon (cans of soup, glass bottles, fruit cake, etc...).

Sometimes, however, you'll just be passing through at a reasonable speed. Perhaps you have a few cars behind you, or perhaps you're simply in a hurry. Under these conditions throwing anything without a highly yielding consistency could be considered assault. Trust me, you don't want to go to prison with a rap sheet consisting entirely of a botched attempt at generosity. People like that get singled out like newborn lambs. If worse comes to worse try to claim that the hobo flashed you an unpopular gang sign before you pegged him with last weeks meat loaf. If nothing else, your fellow inmates should leave you alone during meal time.

Best of Luck,
James

Daily Advice for Tuesday, June 20th

Weekly Topic: Finance

How to avoid speeding tickets

Speeding is as naturally a part of human locomotion as it gets. Ever since the days of cavemen we’ve always strived to go steadily faster. Originally this was to avoid getting eaten, but the modern day has brought on a new, but equally important set of motivations. For instance, cutting your daily commute down by five minutes, giving you that much more time to climb out of bed. But then, perhaps we wouldn’t even need such earthly concerns to motivate us. Perhaps going 42 in a 35 zone is embedded in our souls. But that’s something for the theologians to puzzle out. For now here are some tips on avoiding expending next month’s mortgage payments on these spiritual indiscretions:

1) Beware of controversial bumper stickers. For instance, when you’re passing through terrain hostile to your favorite sports team it may be wise to cover up your supportive bumper stickers temporarily with a few for the local team. If the officer pulling you over is a sports fan this can give you a sizable bit of leeway. After all, if you were in his shoes how willing would you be to give a fellow ‘Fighting Bullfrogs’ fan a ticket?

2) Develop the skill of crying on command. This can create a sense of both pity and awkwardness in the situation that will encourage the officer to end it as soon as possible, and giving warnings takes far less time than actually writing a ticket. Keep in mind if you’re male that it’s okay to out and out blubber during the stop. This should take the officer completely off guard, and drastically increase his discomfort in speaking to you.

3) Master the art of baiting. This involves finding some nutzoid willing to do 100 in a 55 zone and keeping pace with, but well behind them. They should flush out all the speed traps for you, allowing you to speed with impunity.

Following these handy hints should cut your speeding tickets at least in half, even for chronic speeders. For the casual speeder you may never have a ticket again! (results not guaranteed. James takes no responsibility if your tickets actually increase as a result of this advice).

Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by Melancholy Melons. The finest fruits ever grown in Anchorage Alaska.

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Daily Advice for Monday, June 19th

Weekly Topic: Finance

Raising the next generation on a budget.

Even to those of us that don't have children, the financial burden of child-rearing is obvious. We all remember the trips to the doctor and the constant demands for food, shelter and entertainment from our own childhood. We can probably get a good estimate of how much this set our parents back. The financial burden of children can make remodeling look like a trip to Taco Shell. So you're probably asking yourself, "Are there any ways to cut some corners on this whole 'raising a child' thing?" The answer is yes. Here are three of my favorites:

1) "A wise man always follows a brave man." Try to wait until a close friend has a baby before starting on your own. You'll save a fortune on hand me downs, but beware; Don't let anyone else steal your strategy or you may be stuck with some unexpected costs. It might be worth slipping birth control pills into potential rival's morning coffee, just to make sure.

2) Try to teach your children slightly off-kilter pronunciation, and encourage their mistaken assumptions. Stupid children are invariably cuter than the smart ones. They massage adult's egos with their constant need for correction, making even the most dejected of people feel needed and useful. Behavior like this will make it much easier for you to attain free daycare from friends and relatives.

3) Finally, for the long term it's usually best if your child has a different last name than you. This will make it easier for you to be rid of them when they reach adulthood by allowing you to act as housing and employment references more easily.

With babysitting, baby cloths, and care-duration limits taken care of you should be able to save up enough to retire even after your children financially abandon you and vote to stiff you your social security checks, at least by the age of 82 anyhow.

Today's Daily Advice brought to you by Taco Shell. All the great taste, menu items, prices and architectural layout of a Taco Bell, but without the yappy little dog.

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Daily Advice for Sunday, June 18th

Weekly Topic: Finance

Getting more for less; tips for effective mooching.

When we walk into the house of a friend it can often feel like we’ve just arrived at our favorite store. After all we tend to make friends with people that have similar tastes and they can frequently afford things we can not. By invoking words such as “borrow,” “grab,” or “bum” we can access all sorts of nifty goodies from DVDs to nachos and cheese. Be forewarned however; even though we may not have to hand over hard currency when we mooch, there is a more abstract social cost to it. Spend too much and you could find yourself without any friends. Here are some tips on avoiding spending yourself into social bankruptcy:

1) Avoid taking more than you can carry in one trip. If you’re making multiple runs to your car with armloads of your friend’s things it can give them too much extra time to consider the social equity of the situation.

2) things that your friends are proud of acquiring have a lower social costs if you praise the objects afterwards.

3) If you’re mooching consumables, try to eat with dainty restraint while your friend is watching you. Wait until they leave the room before gorging.

4) Finally, try to avoid mooching off of people with significant and useful positions in life. People like doctors, farmers, sanitation workers, advice columnists… They all work hard fulfilling a requisite function in our society, and we need access to the rewards of such hard work to motivate ourselves.

Also, we have mystic voodoo powers. Woooooooooooo!

Todays Daily Advice has been brought to you by The Communist Party. For those that believe altruism is best when it’s mandatory.

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Daily Advice for Saturday, June 17th

Weekly Theme: Politics

Colonialization, is it right for me?

At some point in our lives we all have to sit down, take a look at where we’re going, and decide on some way to invest in our future. Some of us trust to bonds while others prefer the riskier investment of stocks, but one thing we all at some point in their lives have probably considered is whether or not it would be worth setting ourselves up as a colonial power in Wisconsin. It seems good on paper, doesn’t it? You get to play in the same league as the big boys; England, France, Chicago, etc…. What’s more, you have constant access to freshly made cheese from your new cheese plantations, as well as a beautiful vacation spot where everyone speaks at least broken English. But look before you leap! Most previous investors in colonialism ended up abandoning their colonies because of rising costs of rebellion as well as demands by the League of Nations for basic civil liberties. For these reasons and more colonialism is largely considered the corporate man’s game, providing little stability for a savvy long-term investor. After all, if retirement is on the horizon you’ll have plenty to worry about with increasing health care costs. You don’t need the additional burden of planning for military suppression of native populations.

Today’s advice has been brought to you by Slick Willy’s Retirement Investments for the Terminally Ill. Because you can never have too much money to spend in the afterlife.

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Daily Advice for Friday, June 16th

Weekly Topic: Politics

To vote or not to vote...

When election times roll around getting to the polls can seem a daunting task. What's more, only in our most deluded fantasies can the votes we cast actually influence the results of the elections. So why then do so many people vote? What's more, why is it that TV, the ultimate source of wisdom/peer pressure, always telling us we need to vote? Could it be that television is lieing to us as some sort of sick joke, or could it even be that the broadcasters are misinformed about the effects our individual votes will have?

Fortunately for all concerned, questioning the veracity of television isn't necessary. The television isn't lieing to us anymore than it's telling the truth. What TV, and by extension society, is doing is offering you a deal. If you go out and vote society will grant you the power to snub and stigmatize those that do not. It doesn't matter if you're a deranged alcoholic living out of a refrigerator box. If you voted you have the right to approach anyone who did not; be they rich, religious, or in possession of a higher grade refrigerator box, point to them and exclaim asmerphartnox*!

*deranged hobo speak for "Tsk tsk"


Today's Daily Advice brought to you by the Refrigeratorium. Refrigerators for the new millennium*!

*Refrigeratorium products cannot actually contain or effect spans of time.

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Daily Advice for Thursday, June 15th

Weekly Theme: Politics

How to choose the political party that's right for you.

When deciding on a political party to join it is important to remember that with enough drive, perseverance and money one person really can make a positive difference. In such a case it can be helpful to simply look over the various brochures offered to find the party best suited to you. If, on the other hand, you're a bit short on drive, perseverance and money you may want to consider the benefits of aiming for a negative difference instead. Try joining the political party most opposed to your personal beliefs and values. Once you've signed simply make a nuisance of yourself at every opportunity. It's fun, easy and you'll never feel obliged to make a political contribution again. As an added bonus for you misanthropes out there, you'll be able to meet people you can hate without going through the tiring formality of getting to know them first.

Today's advice has been brought to you by Moosta' Roosta's diet caffeine free cola. All the great taste of tap water, but twice as brown!

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Frustrated in Fresno

"Dear James,

I dislike my boyfriend's sister, and family is very important to him, what should I do to best orchestrate familial harmony?

Sincerely,
Familial Frustration in Fresno"

As a civilized people we are frequently all too quick to dispense judgment upon any conflict, inflicting it with a strongly negative connotation. Whether we see people vying over food, space, or money we instantly feel the need to see the situation at an end. In your specific case it is this woman's very way of being that likely encourages you to conflict. Now most run of the mill advice columnists would suggest to you that you need to find some way of resolving the issue, or perhaps just come to an understanding with this woman. This seems the intuitive thing to do, right? I mean the source of the negative emotions must be in the conflict, so thus you must end the conflict to return to a state of contentment. Right?

While this may well work on paper, the reality is that ending a poorly defined conflict is very difficult. Even if you were perfectly able to articulate to her what it is you oppose about her mannerisms and beliefs, how can you realistically expect a polite situation to come up in which you could dispense this information? Let’s face it. For most of us, ending this kind of conflict is well over our heads. It’s just too hard. And when something’s too hard, quit.

As an alternate strategy consider the legendary confrontation between Ms. Beasley and Mr. Creighton. If you didn’t learn about this in school, Beasley and Creighton were two crippled folks living near McGill University sometime in the late 1800’s. The two had, over the years, developed a bitter dislike of each other that culminated on December 17, 1872 in a grand battle royale over a can of tuna turned face down on the iced over roadway leading up to their apartment building. Now someone could have stopped this, someone could have taken the tuna and demanded that they share it. Someone could have even called the authorities. However, instead of falling back on such measures a betting pool was taken up amongst onlookers. With little else in the way of entertainment available in this era it quickly became popular to offer a single can of tuna to both neighboring rivals during the weekends, the ensuing conflict invariably drawing a wide-ranging crowd which included such staples as cheering children, beer guzzling working stiffs, and members of burgeoning organized crime syndicates. And so it was that hockey was born.

You see, it’s really all about the audience to your conflict. What do they decide to make of it? In the case of the crippled tuna fight, they wanted a good time and a chance to wager their daily coal-mine earnings. Like Beasley and Creighton, you need to drum up this enthusiasm for your burgeoning rivalry. Build up some excitement for your tiffs. Try a little smack talk that indirectly challenges your opponent’s fans. This should rile them up and get them itching for a confrontation. Most importantly, when you actually have your conflicts of choice, whether they be direct arguments, snide comments, or passive aggressive assaults, make sure they’re always fun to watch. Put a little pizzazz into any fights you get into with lots of posturing. When the other woman gets in a good shot, do an overdramatic reel of surprise and shock.

And never forget to congratulate her on a good game after the final score for each conflict is tallied. This will keep your clashes “family friendly” which should help turnout from the value’s oriented crowd.

Oh, and if you ever need a manager feel free to fire me off an email.

Best of Luck,
James

Motivationless Marvin

"Dear James,

I have ambitions to create an 3D board game which seeks to highlight the cause of the Campensinos of Casas Viejas during their stuggle against monarchism in all its guises. I lack the cardboard, colored penciles and the will to bring my idea to fruition. As a polish fellow once said, I have such a stong will, it does what it wants with me. I am also a shitty speller. How do I overcome my wows?

Sincerely Motivationless Marvin"

Dear Marvin,

Motivation is a tricky field. There are thousands of books, videos and professional speakers out there putting forward advice on how to motivate yourself. Experts often argue about whether this material is designed to fail in order to maintain the market, or whether it just fails out of the incompetence of the creators. this debate is however, largely academic as there is really only one rule you need to remember when it comes to motivation;

It is easier to motivate others than to motivate yourself.

Seems obvious doesn't it? A very intuitive concept when you compare all the work currently being done in the world to the work that you yourself do on a daily basis. Other people, it would seem, are doing just about everything that needs to be done (and so very much more). Before you begin trying to harness this seemingly endless supply of other people's labor you should keep in mind a few caveats...

First, be aware that while the world at large may work harder than you, the majority of this effort is being produced by third world countries. Unless you're willing to travel this means you'll have to be selective about who you choose to do your labor. Choose poorly and you may be spending more time on pep talks and threats than you ever would doing the game yourself.

Second, you need to look at why you want to create this game. If you just want a game about some obscure historical reference in which to play then there shouldn't be a problem. Whoever makes the game for you will likely let your play it (or be too busy to notice you copy it). If, however, you're looking for fame and fortune you may run into trouble. Again, because of the lack of access to third world laborers you may end up with someone that wants credit and monetary rewards for their effort. You can try to screen these types out, but unfortunately this 'sense of entitlement' pervades most every level of our culture, creating excessive, and in some of the worst cases, fair requirements of compensation to our working class. If you are unable to find someone willing to forego giving you all the credit and financial rewards for the game in exchange for a few peanuts you may consider an alternate option. Try simply stealing their idea once they've completed most of the work. Change one or two things and publish the game before they can. If you beat them to the punch their game gets classified as a knock-off, and while it may sell better than yours the intelligentsia of the gaming community will be firmly committed to supporting your version through words (though not by deed).

...

Of course if you really wanted to shoot for fame and fortune you'd entitle it "American Wife Swapper Survivor-Idol," changing up a few of the details of the game. Don't worry about an overhaul of the game dynamics as the type of people that buy this version probably won't notice anything so subtle.

Regardless of what you decide you can get some pencils and other materials at your local (insert future sponsoring organization here) for (insert price here).

Best of Luck,
James