PNTSD Penguin

"Dear James:

After extensive therapy, I have found that each and every one of my woes from adulthood can be traced back to the fact that my childhood wasn’t traumatic enough. In fact, the only true hardship I had to endure was that my parents refused to buy me Cookie Crisp Cereal as a child and that I grew up in a town of 2,500 people in rural Oregon. There was no abusive bleating about the use of wire hangers, no being locked in a closet with religious figures—there wasn’t even a good, solid lost-in-the-woods kind of moment. As my therapist has now fled to Argentina due to my using her for a cover for my international lint-smuggling activities, I must now know: How do I approach my parents and discuss with them how damaging this utter lack of trauma really was?

--Post-Non-Traumatic Stress Disorder Penguin"

Dear Penguin,

I want you to know that I feel your pain. Within our culture overcoming adversity has become such a staple of our heroes and role models that imagining an admirable individual without this all-pervading experience seems very difficult. What then does this mean for those of us that come from reasonably stable households, and have little experience with abject pain or misery? This is a question that many people all over the world ask themselves every day. The uncertainty and despair that arises can often lead to a bitter loathing like the one you must feel for your parents, the people ultimately responsible for your predicament.

Unfortunately modernization of our society has worked at cross-purposes to confuse this issue. As the media became more and more focused around marketing man's problems to the masses it created an ever increasing expectation of depraved and emotionally crippling experiences for us to aspire to. At the same time, however, organized resistance to this "character building" began to mount. Child services was established, child labor laws were passed, and trained psychologists took over the process of teaching parenting skills from the tried and true Old Wive's Tale of yore.

But I digress...

The problem with confronting your parents about the crippling normality you were raised with could very well make things even worse. There is a possibility that, against all good sense, they will act supportive and understanding of the woes you're experiencing. Needless to say this will just about kill any chance you have of ever reaching the angst neccessary to become accepted as worthwhile and interesting within our society. Instead of risking this you should avoid the matter with them entirely. Allow your bitterness to fester for some good while. Bitterness is well known to warp perspective to a more mainstream pessimism. This will allow you to better interact with the role-models the media would provide you, as well as serve as your muse while you try to reinvent your life and background to further your life goals.

Once you've allowed your bitterness to consume your heart and mind you're going to need a test audience to assess whether the adversity you imagined for yourself was sufficient to make your life worthwhile. A good test may be to tell stories of your new perspective on your own childhood at the local pub or bar. Once you've tested your angst on the unsuspecting drunkards you're going to have to eventually move on to a more official means of assessing the value of your angst. Currently the best known way to determine your personal adversity value is by filling out scholarship applications. This process will actually assign a monetary value to the strife you imagined you've experienced. This monetary value is reffered to by experts as "Lifetime Channel Value." You may treat this LCV as functionally equivalent to an androgynous penile measurement.

If after all of this self-inflicted bitterness and angst you were unable to attain a sufficient LCV size to show your face in the locker room, buck up! There are plenty of examples of people with small LCVs that went on to do great (or at least almost marginal) things. For instance, almost reknowned US president Calvin Coolidge was known both for his very small LCV and for being the only person of his station to spend his entire term doing absolutely nothing. Or take William Ratnel, a man that once appeared briefly as an extra next to Bill Murray in a scene cut out of Ghostbusters II. Finally, who could forget Lisa Macintire who works as a maid for a New York SUPER 8 hotel.

Take inspiration from these fine people, and understand that if you follow your heart you'll be less likely to suffer the sudden and lethal coronary consequences of choosing a path separate from that of your heart!

Best of Luck,
James

Befuddled about Birthday

"Dear James,

A friend of mine invited me to his birthday party recently. He seemed really excited, and wanted me there. I didn't write it down, so I forgot about it and didn't go! I heard about it after it was over, and felt terrible! (Not to mention that I was looking forward to it.) Now, sending a belated birthday card seems even more cruel, like I was planning to not attend. But I also don't want to call, it seems too informal (and embarrassing!) What is an appropriate way to let my friend know that I care?

Thanks,
Befuddled about Birthday"

Dear Befuddled,

Much like a continuous dosage of dapsone, proper etiquette can often seem like an enormous pain to maintain. It will often interrupt conversations, making social interaction a painfully slow and awkward affair. It requires constant attendance and will use up much of your free time as you commit to often inconvenient schedules, and finally it will often leave a nasty aftertaste in your mouth.

However etiquette, like dapsone, plays a vital role in our social relationships. Perhaps not as vital as a functioning set of limbs and internal organs, but nonetheless its importance should not be underestimated. It allows you such important and enjoyable social activities as; assignment of disdain and stigma, fishing for compliments, and (if you're into such a thing) making your presence more enjoyable to others. You'll also find that a reputation for good etiquette provides a larger closet for which to keep your collection of skeletons.

Despite all these wonderful trade-offs sometimes we, as human beings, just bungle things all to hell. In these situations it is imperative to have some methods available to cut your losses to a minimum. Here are three good options for covering your hindquarters after this faux pas:

1) Find a Scapegoat: One of the most relied upon methods of maintaining one's status within a community is to assign responsibility for anything that might besmirch your image to a sacrificial lamb. Ideally this lamb will be completely oblivious to its status and thus unable to defend itself. This strategy may present some difficulty if, such as in your situation, you must assign blame for both missing the event and failing to alert your host that you wouldn't be coming. Keep in mind that because of this dual-fault status you may find yourself needing two scapegoats.

2) Apologize without conceding blame: One of the chief weaknesses with apologies in the social arena are the few stubborn holdouts within our society that insist on conceptualizing apologies as a genuine display of repentance. If your host is one such throw-back it may be necessary for you to give your apology special phrasing to emphasize its modern definition as a polite, but ultimately substanceless gesture. I suggest using a generic form letter to get this message across. Write your host's name in a different color ink to emphasize the nature of your apology as a pleasantry rather than anything sincere and meaningful. Altneratively you may consider a phone call using a recorded message with the subject's name said in a deep male voice, your own voice used for the rest of the message. Either way avoid mentioning the specifics of the incident. Otherwise you may be implicated by your acknowledgement of any specific details. Remember; let ambiguity be your shield.

3) Rewriting History: This strategy is particularly appropriate if there was a significant quantity of alcohol at the party. If the situation of the party was chaotic enough then you may be able to insist that you in fact attended the affair and were forgotten about. If you wish to risk it, you may even pretend umbrage at being forgotten. For this method to work you will need to do some research on key events occurring at the party that you can mention in your claims. You should also try to bribe a few cohorts that attended into supporting your story. Even if the host doubts your revisionist depictions of events, over time with continual repetition he will either forget such doubts, or just drop the matter entirely.

Regardless of which route you choose to take, remember that what's most important is maintaining your social status, not actually making amends.

With that in mind,

Best of Luck,
James

Wants to Glitter

"Dear James,

I find that I am not one of the shiny happy people (holding hands). Sometimes I find shiny people and they can make me kind of shiny too but I am not my own (in and of myself) shiny person. I tend to be a social outcast and easily ignorable. I need my own personhood - my own shiny happy personhood. Can you tell me how to achieve this goal? Though cloaked in cutsie language, it's really a deep aching mediocre feeling I have.

Signed,
Wants to Glitter"

Dear Glitterbug,

I have done a not insignificant amount of research on the upbeat or "Sparkly" personality types, interviewing several to discover the source of their persistent euphoria. At first I began by attempting to interview them, but I found I was consistently distracted by an onslaught of glitter, giggles, and severe toothaches. Adopting a new strategy I managed to purloin an important looking piece of paper from one of their trapper-keepers. The paper scrap was littered with more hearts and smileys than I'd ever seen in one place, and at the very center was an address located somewhere in the Himalayas. I kept the piece of paper with me for many days while I tried to discover the source of the glitterbug's power, but to no avail (though this possibly could have been because I was distracted by TNT rerunning Sex and the City from the beginning). With no other options available to me I chartered a trip to the Himalayas and set forth on my quest.

The trip was long and arduous, and while I won't go into the story of my adventures here, I will recommend against feeding mountain goats used prophylactics. Strongly recommend against.

Reaching the summit of the 34th highest peak in the Himalayas I saw a stick hut decorated with tanned goatskin hearts. As I approached a short crone covered in glitter emerged from the structure. Upon her head perched a pair of novelty cat ears. I assumed it likely that this was some sort of glitterbug wise-woman, but I needed proof. I reached up and belligerently knocked the cat ears into a nearby snow drift. In retrospect this may have been a bit impulsive, but I was rewarded with the proof I sought: A hacking giggle and an exclamation of "White boy so silly." Then she kicked me in the crotch. I realized immediately that this old woman was the one I'd been seeking.

... Well, not immediately, but after I woke up. Apparently glitterbugs are not restricted by their age in heeled boot selection.

Anyhow, here is the wisdom I garnered from her before I had to be rushed to an emergency dentist appointment to deal with rapid tooth rot:

1) Being a shiny happy person is not something you can just "pick up." You need a mentor, or "sensei" that can teach you the ins and outs of the glitterbug social archetype. They should be able to instruct you on everything from mundane considerations (which stores sell the clingiest glitter) all the way up to the highly spiritual ponderances within the lifestyle (which stores sell the clingiest glitter).

2) Once you learn the basics you'll need to engage in a strict training regime to ready your mind and body for your new life outlook. This process will involve learning to put a spin on all occurrences that is at once both cute and positive. For example: "Oh, your grandmother just died? That's wonderful! Now all the cute baby maggots will have someplace to laugh and play." You'll also need to maintain a proper diet. While coffee may seem like a good idea, providing you with a steady supply of energy to bounce about with, recent research has shown that stimulants can heighten social awareness, causing an overload sensation that increases introversion. Ideally you want something that dulls your social awareness to nearly autistic levels while simultaneously providing you with a constant supply of energy. The standard glitterbug diet tends to consist of heavy doses of both sugar and alcohol. Keep in mind that when you're taking in the sugar you need to absorb as much as possible directly through your lips rather than allowing it to run through your digestive system. This will speed your body's ability to draw energy from it which will provide you a real sugar high, as opposed to the imaginary ones that research suggests standard sugar consumption causes.

3) Finally, learn to control your environment. Stop exposing yourself to things that you can't possibly put an adorably endearing spin on. Don't read or watch the news, and make sure you carry enough glitter to douse "Grumpy Gus" type characters you encounter. Always remember; pessimism, like optimism, requires a sustained act of willful ignorance in order to maintain itself.

I hope you've found this to be helpful, and I'm sure whosoever you choose to mentor you in the glitterbug arts can expound further on this advice.

Best of luck,
James

Pissed and Penniless

"Dear James,

Long ago I was robbed of five cents by my big brother. I remember the event clearly because it is indeed the first event I can remember. While sitting on the stairs, playing with my dime the devil came up behind me and engaged me in conversation about his nickel. He proceeded to convince me that his nickel was of greater value than my dime and through his treachery I was convinced to exchange. This event has weighed heavily on my psyche, and scared every interaction I have had ever with everyone since. Based on my calculations of 5 cents, invested in 1985 at a reasonable interest rate (8%) compounded daily (not counting leap years) I could be almost 24 cents richer. I am currently unemployed, while my brother makes a generous hourly wage, should he pay me back??

Sincerely,
Pissed off and Penniless"

Dear Pissed,

Sometimes when times are tough its easy to blame others for our situation. As everyone knows the easiest path is always the best, it is obvious you have procceeded wisely in laying the blame for your financial troubles on your brother rather than your state of unemployment. What you need to consider now, however, is that if you go out and gain restitution for the crime committed against you, you may end up having to shoulder the psychological burden of your problems yourself. This could lead to predicaments such as: needing to take responsibility for your life, obligatory guilt, and possibly even chronic employment. Furthermore, without such hardships you may find that pity is a far more difficult commodity to attain from your friends and acquaintences. Mooching may also become nearly impossible, particularly in conjunction with employment.

...

However, it is twenty four cents. That kind of money can be hard to pass up. If you decide that all of the problems listed above are worth the prospect of having nearly an additional quarter in your pocket, be careful. This brother of yours fooled you once, he may try to do it again. You should consider stashing all of your valuable possessions somewhere that you won't be able to access them for a while. Myself, I have had good success with a holding institution that has proven to be very secure. If this solution appeals to you send your valuables to the following address:

James' Palace of Wisdom,
1979 NW Some Street,
Philomath Or, 97370

Best of Luck,
James