Nasal Frucose

"Dear James,

Recently it has become fashionable to stick piece of fruit in different parts of my body, according to my unsatisfied girfriend. I choose a banana in the nose. I find the banana to be a great source of pride and very helpful to my self esteem. But it has made social interactions complicated at best. People point, laugh, and some even offer to pull out what they claim to be a booger. What can I do to convince my friends of the validity of my life style choice.

Sincerely,
Katie Booger Calahan"

Dear Katie,

The path to adoption of a cultural paradigm has always been a long, unsteady and sometimes even perilous process. This can be demonstrated by no better example than when the Europeans tried to import the handshake gesture into the Americas. Upon first encountering the attempted gesture the natives of the land naturally assumed they were being challenged to a form of ritual combat known today as "Indian Wrestling", and while there were certainly other factors, no historian to date has denied that this clash of cultural symbology was the primary cause of the genocide that followed.

Such disasters can, however, be avoided with proper attention to established culture-clash etiquette. If you've never heard of culture-clash etiquette, it's a set of rules and procedures by which competing cultures can establish dominance over each other without resorting to genocidal behavior as much. The most important thing to remember when vieing for a place for your new cultural traditions is to assert your victimhood. Note that this is in strong contrast to previous techniques that primarily involved making victims out of competing cultures. You should try arranging to be publicly oppressed by members of the currently dominant paradigm. Being mocked is a good start but to really make your mark try to get ejected from classy restaurants or fired from your job over bodily fruit insertions.

Regardless of how you choose to establish yourself as a victim it should give you the credibility necessary to manufacture a symbology for your tradition. Why do you need a nose-fruit symbology you ask? Can't you just have nose-fruit for the sake of having nose-fruit? Alas, no. Becoming a victim only briefly opens up a window of opportunity for your tradition. After a while people will start to get bored with pitying you and will move on to the three-fingered hobo down the street. Having your nose-fruit symbolize something meaningful for people allows you to hold their attention. Indeed many may even adopt your tradition, spreading word of it to the masses. Remember, people love to stand for poorly defined, abstract ideals as it conveys a sense of nobility that's difficult to challenge. Take advantage of this when developing your ideology by trying to remain vague to present few footholds for any sort of criticism of your followers. Some examples might be "Man's relationship with nature", "The sweetness of humanity," and the tried and true "expression of individuality."

If you keep to these principles of cultural meme development you should have a fair degree of success in quelling direct opposition to your new hobby.

Best of luck,
James

Fed up with sloppy, in OR

"Dear James ,

I am currently living with my boyfriend (2 years now), and he is a slob. His clothes are always all over the room, and they smell. He doesn't seem to take my needs of having a clean room in consideration. Sometimes we get into tiffs over this matter. What should I do? Please help.

Fed up with sloppy, in OR "

Dear Fed,

Your problem seems to stem from the fact that your boyfriend is clearly a closeted time-capsule enthusiast. His penchance for leaving things around the house clearly comes from the hobby's credo of propagating "clues to how we lived for future generations!"

... Unfortunately your boyfriend isn't actually at all proficient in the proper techniques involved in the hobby. For instance he seems to have forgotten the capsule portion of the time capsule, and has failed to place his leavings in a place likely to be found by future generations rather than, well, you.

Don't be distraught by his apparent incompetence however. This is actually a pretty common problem amongst amateur enthusiasts. You should, as a dutiful girlfriend, try to help him through the confusion he seems to be suffering. However, do not confront him directly about his failure. This may cause discouragement, or even permanent psychological scarring as he realizes the futility of his past efforts. Instead try to demonstrate the proper technique to him by sealing his "attempts" and in airtight containers and burying them in the yard. If all goes well he should learn from your example and progress to the next level of the time-capsule craft. Be aware that he may confront you about your improvements. Try to be calm and understanding when you explain the flaws in his technique. This will be a difficult time for him. Be aware though that many time-capsule purists will deny their affiliation with the hobby in order to help them capture a more realistic and unbiased image of current-day life within their constructions. He may attempt to convince you that his slobishness has no capsule-related motivations. Don't get too upset with these lies for he says them out of love of the craft and pursuit of truth for future generations. You should, however, fight the urge to simply humor his denial. Sometimes we have to learn things in this life the hard way, and the time capsule craft can be a cruel mistress indeed. Simply repeat your demonstrations, explaining to him each time why his capsules need to be sealed away and buried. Eventually he'll come to understand. Or perhaps he'll throw up his hands and take up needlepoint. Either way you should have less mess to deal with.

Best of luck,
James

Tetris Typhoon

"Dear James,

I fancy myself the second best tetris player in the world, but with the collapse of the Soviet Union and as the 80's keep getting further and further away, the social credibility and respect I gain from my mastery of tetris continues to diminish. Even within my social circle the street cred one gains from tetris is lessening. Gone are the 2001's when people would come from the apartment next door to watch me play. I feel like I could apply my skill to more socially mainstream games like Contra and Bubblebobble, but I am torn because I feel like I am selling out. What should I do?

Tetris Typhoon"

Dear Typhoon,

You're in luck. Resurrecting dormant fads is one of the best researched and valued activities within today's pop-culture market, providing you with a diverse array of methodology to use in pursuit of your personal glory. The field was originally developed as a means of taking economic advantage of people's nostalgia, but has since grown in response to an ever-growing dearth of creativity in the realm of pop-culture. This phenomena has had a useful side-effect of reinvigorating the popularity of key personalities (often actors) involved in the first version of the fad, bestowing upon them at long last another fifteen minutes of fame. You could be one such has-been. Here's what you need to do:

1) Work to artificially stifle creativity in the people around you. One of the greatest enemies to bringing back a fad is the constant competition with newer, shinier ideas. Unfortunately ideas within a small community are much harder to place limitations upon because of their independence from many of the market forces responsible for our media's uniformity. This means you'll have to get creative. Try feeding your social group a steady diet of low protein mush. Research into cult dieting practices has shown that this is highly effective at reducing independent thought within those that didn't die of malnutrition during the studies. Additionally, try to limit novel stimuli. Keep an eye on TV watching habits to make sure the programs are repetitive and lacking of any real substance. While this will not contribute directly to your return to glory, it will keep competing activities to a minimum.

2) Market your fad. Try to make it seem more interesting than it actually is. After all, would you rather rotate blocks into orderly formations or "compete with some of the greatest minds in the world for a chance to win points that will put your name up on the big screen." To steal ideas from previous generations, try to relate your idea to popular cultural icons within your community, ie drug use, sex, rock and roll, etc.... When you discuss your fad make sure to play exciting music to give it that extra edgy quality missing from most block-rotating activities. Finally, if you can manage to get a member of your group with high social status to endorse your idea you could lend an air of respectability to what would otherwise be considered a colossal waste of time.

3) Try ridiculing any competing ideas that slip through the cracks of #1 above. If you did a good job with it then this shouldn't be too difficult as idea's surviving the protein gruel will likely leave much to be desired. Also, those promoting them will likely be unprepared to compete with your marketing scheme, or even rise regularly from their beds. Finally remember; don't be afraid of hypocrisy during this process. The first person to make an accusation gains a social right to it, weakening the position of anyone that "copies" your accusations.

If you follow these tips I can give you my personal guarantee that you will triple your fad's current popularity.

Best of Luck,
James