Wearing Earplugs in Wisconsin

"Dear James,

There is a woman who walks by my house every morning with her dog. This woman feels the need to yell obscenities at her dog non-stop as she walks very slowly through our neighborhood! This is upsetting for two reasons: 1. She should not be allowed to verbally abuse her dog like that (isn't there some kind of pet abuse law?), and 2. it makes for an unpleasant breakfast on an otherwise nice day. It is driving me crazy, and I have even considered moving out of the neighborhood rather than listen to that angry woman ranting. But I love my home and my neighborhood otherwise! What should I do?

Wearing Earplugs in Wisconsin"

Dear Ear,

What your neighbor is doing is taking advantage of a sometimes overlooked phenomena within our culture whereby senior citizens can commit limited breaches of social etiquette, the severity of such being directly correlated to their age. With this in mind your first course of action should be to determine whether her offensive activities fall within those permitted by her age. Please refer to the chart below:

50-59: This is around when menopause occurs in most women, and as such it has become polite to assume that rude or excessively bellicose behavior is a direct result of it. Nonetheless a female of this age is still a ways off from the adorable/pitiable old lady stereotypes permeating our culture. As such, misbehavior should be limited to the occasional snide remark and rare tantrum. If you're dealing with more than a daily insult or bi-monthly tantrum then you are allowed to dislike and confront them. Note that none of the protections granted by this age category apply to men.

60-69: At this age the government gets involved, officially declaring the person old. They are often no longer required to work and frequently eat more cheaply at restaraunts. Both of these factors lend an official air to the respect and tolerance the elderly may commandeer from society. Additionally, because they leave the workforce at this age the common man's interaction with them decreases. We know less about what they do from day to day, what they think about and so on. This creates an air of mystery, an unknown element in their behavior that gives pause to those who would try to hold them accountable by standard rules of behavior. Here old people gain significantly more leeway in their insult and tantrum allotments, as well as some access to offensively weird behavior such as wearing one's underpants on the outside of one's clothing (around the house at least).

70-79: At this age a person is nearing what is, on average, the end of their life. The average American will live until right around the age of 78. This has created an acceptance by society of socially required compassion towards such individuals. If you encounter somone of this age you are obligated to tolerate outright insane behavior, even if the old person is in public. In addition they have the right to make demands of anyone that makes eye contact with them, so be wary of such. Note that at this age it is also considered rude for reporting them to the authorities for any crime less than a felony.

80-89: These people have cheated death, advancing to a stage in their lives that most of us will never see. It is permissible for those of this age to rob liquor stores, excrete in public, go into your house and use your plasma screen TV... As an ironing board. Don't be too allarmed, as by this age most people have failed to keep track of their advancing social power and rarely excercise the rights granted by this category.

90 and up: There is no realistic boundaries on what is socially acceptable for someone of this age. Fortunately mass genocide is often unfeasible for people of this age due to advancing physical ailments.

With the above in mind you should aproximate the offending party's age and cross-reference it with her socially permissable behavior as indicated. You are probably looking in the 60+ range for what you described. Don't worry too much about ascertaining her precise age, appearances are the only thing that matters for purposes of etiquette.If the woman is not sufficiently senior-citizenish to be tolerated making a potentially offensive daily commotion in the morning hours then you have the right to confront her directly. Unfortunately, she breaches no laws in the verbal abuse of her dog as only physical abuse and neglect of animals are covered by Oregon Law (http://www.animal-law.org/statutes/oregon.htm), so you will likely have to talk to her in person rather than sick the police on her. This confrontation should be handled delicately. Afterall, if she has such little regard for her pet's wellbeing, odds are she couldn't care less about a person she's never met before. If you offend her it may illicit the petty spite of someone with nothing better to do than make your mornings miserable. Instead I suggest a polite exchange of bald-faced lies. Perhaps your father just moved in with you after your mother died. He might sleep in the morning, being easily disturbed and potentially ill if he can't remain in slumber. Just be careful about making up medical conditions while you lie. The elderly sometimes keep themselves very up to date on medical news, and she may see through a ruse involving a disease you know less than her about.

Even if she is sufficiently advanced in years to negate any stigma for ruckus-making, all is not lost. Passive aggression is a time honored technique developed to deal with troublesome, but socially invulnerable individuals. Try setting up a fake crime scene outside your apartment. Alternatively, arrange with your neighbors to "forget" to tie up their larger dog on mornings when she's likely to be by. Pretty much any idea may be attempted as long as it doesn't involve any public criticism of her behavior. If you feel outraged that you would have to go through such rigmarole, I'm afraid the only other solution is to commit a social faux pas, and even though this would be far easier, less time consuming, safer and all around superior I'm restricted from suggesting any course of action that is not "socially justifiable" by my status as an advice columnist. Just keep in mind that someday you too will be old.

Best of Luck,
James

Desperate in Detroit

"Dear James,

My life is a mess. Fix it.

Signed,
Desperate in Detroit"

Dear Desperate,

Alright, all fixed. It should blow now just like it was manufactured to.

Best of luck,
James

Distraught Loner

"Dear James,

Anytime I get romantically interested in someone, they always end up either in a relationship or not interested. I remember when I could get anyone I wanted; but now... it's as if I am all alone. I have not changed in appearance, I am the same. I feel as if I'm stuck in a cycle of loneliness. What can I do to break this cycle? How can I finally find someone?

Distraught Loner"

Dear Distraught,

When considering loneliness it is important to understand that its source can be quite a bit more complex than it would first seem. To understand them it is important to figure out where they come from. Fortunately one never has to look far for such answers...

All blame rests on great grand-pappy caveman.

You see, once a long long time ago your great (ad infinitum) grandfather and your great (ad infinitum) granduncle were sitting around a fire inhaling the smoke from their burning refuse as they held a discussion of grunts and gestures. Your uncle, an enlightened homosapien for the time, made the claim that life was a delicate balance of mental, spiritual, and physical well-being. As a result of this philosophy he became a brilliant artist, respected for his capture of the raw energy of antelope being speared by stick figures. He lived a life of contented joy, taking pleasure in all the world had to offer.

Your grandfather on the other hand, was a neurotic mess who's codependent tendencies set him to desperately seek out a mate, his life deprived of any joy without the company of another. As a result he tried to find a girl, any girl, as quickly as he possibly could, entirely unsatisfied with his existence until he succeeded.

Six years later both were trampled by a herd of wild turkeys. Granduncle was still in the process of wooing his one true love from a neighboring tribe, but grandfather had already sired three children to pass down his neurosis genes too. And so did history repeat itself on down to the industrial age.

Now in present day our gene pool is cluttered with the DNA of our forefather's desperation to find a mate before dieing brutal deaths by the age of 22. Meanwhile our lifespans have extended to nearly 80 years with people capable of childbearing well through their thirties, and sometimes into their 60's. An unfortunate truth is that society's mores and values have evolved to fit our present situation much faster than our brain chemistry, leaving us with a social structure that slows intimate contact to a level out of step with our genetic predispositions (though entirely in line with our newly extended lifespans).

This dichotomy leaves us several paths to take in order to mitigate the resulting angst:

1: Adopt the social mores provided to you by your society and slow down your search for companionship to fall more in line with society's new timeline for relationships. This sounds difficult, but keep in mind that our culture has provided us many ways to cope by distracting ourselves with the rampant consumerism that pervades it. The key to this strategy is thus to fill the void in your life with as many material objects as you can, ultimately being forced to get a job (further distracting you) to keep up with a life of glamour, gadgets, and status symbols.

2: Embrace the hyper-dependency of your forefathers and spend all of your waking moments seeking out companionship. This may be difficult if most of those around you aren't haven't made the same choice, so you might have to spend time searching out others with similarly neurotic tendencies, then build an emotional barricade around them to cement their dependency on you. Alternatively, if feasible, use a physical barricade. For instance you might even try scouting the trauma ward of your local hospital for boys unable to leave their rooms without assistance.

3: Finally, you can combine these two strategies, searching out companionship even as you focus some of your time and energy into other pursuits. While this may be the least overall satisfying option, it does protect against the potential consequences of massive debt and social withdrawal, or becoming socially dysfunctional and unable to live in any meaningful way without male companionship.

I suggest that you eventually try out all of these options in order to see which fits you the best.

Best of luck,
James

Perplexed Plant Owner

"Dear James,

My significant other talks to houseplants occasionally. From what I learned in biology classes in the past, plants do not have ears. But is it possible that they can understand on some other level? I am rather scientifically-oriented and haven't tried talking to a plant, but I have heard of studies showing greater plant growth after classical music is played nearby compared to plants that are exposed to heavy metal or no music. Maybe certain sound vibrations are soothing to them? I am puzzled.

Sincerely,
Perplexed Plant Owner"

Dear Perplexed,

What you need to do first and foremost is to size up exactly what the problem with this situation is. Now most advice columnists will encourage you to look outwards, to decipher whether any aspect of the environment offers a threat to your wellbeing. This is balderdash. The real source of all our problems is our own perceptions of the circumstances we're faced with. Sure, we could be hit by a truck as we're standing in the center of the street, but that's really only a problem if we define death as problematic, right? Right.

So the way I see it you have two choices on what you want your problem to be;

1: Your boyfriend talks to plants.

2: Your boyfriend talks to plants instead of playing classical music for them.

To understand the ideal issue you wish to be burdened with it is important to understand how you perceive the world in relation to yourself. Do you have difficulty making sense of people's motivations? Do off-kilter remarks regularly leave you baffled? This sort of disconnect from others can be deftly eliminated by assigning stigma to the sources of your confusion. "They're weird, maybe a little crazy and probably need to be medicated." Tada! The problem has been externalized, and now others are obligated to do the work of solving it.

Shifting the guilt for your confusion isn't the only reason to wag you finger however. Some people find stimatizing others as insane to be a very rewarding experience, boosting their own ego and shoring up potential insecurities. You may even find some sympathy by making your significant other out as "That crazy person that talks to plants" to your friends, family and, best of all, acquaintances who have never actually met him.

On the other hand maybe your primary concern is the growth of the plant itself. Perhaps you're a plant lover, or maybe the plant in question produces a consumable of particular value to you (fruit, a favorite veggie, marijuana). Regardless the reason, if you decide that the plant's health is of greater significance than investigating your S.O.'s potentially burgeoning schizophrenia then you need to look into convincing him/her to Perform classical music in the stead of speaking. This may require you to get an in depth understanding of your SO's psychology so that you can properly manipulate him into taking the time to develop sufficient skills to play a wide variety of instruments simultaneously. Note that you should probably only choose this as a problem if either you are an overachiever, or if you have your SO wrapped around your pinky finger.

Whichever you choose I wish you good luck, and remember: What circumstances we choose to transform into problems in our lives should always be chosen based on the opportunities they present us.

Hope this helps,
James

Worried in Edinburgh

"Dear James,

I think my pet cat is trying to kill me. He used to be such a happy, fluffy kitten, but recently I have found him staring at me hatefully, and once as I prepared to descend the stairs, I saw him stood at the top, surrounded by marbles. I'm terrified to go to sleep - I think he might claw my eyes out or piss in my mouth. I don't want to have to have him put down. What can I do?

Worried in Edinburgh"

Dear Worried,

While I don't personally own any pets, nor do I have any significant knowledge of animal psychology, I have researched in some depth the cultural expectations regarding dispensing advice on pet behavior. As it turns out it is entirely acceptable to simply anthropomorphize the pet's actions and deal with the situation as if the pet were a human child. With this in mind I suggest you imagine your pet as a rebellious teenager lashing out at her overbearing parents (you). Once you've done this try to evaluate any shift in your emotional response to your pet's behavior. do you feel a false sense of empathy for your cat's supposed confusion and general angst? Do you feel the urge to obsessively nurture and emotionally smother the feline? If you don't then try imagining your cat as a progressively younger and younger human child until you do. If you reach the fetus stage and still feel nothing then you probably hate kids anyways and you're better off just picturing your cat as a less psychotic version of herself. At any rate, once you reach the "doting mother" stage you should be sufficiently separated from reality that you can proceed without guilt.

Now to deal with the murderous intent issue. Fortunately for parents like you, the culturally acceptable means for dealing with emotionally disturbed (or annoying) children has gotten progressively less and less labor intensive over the years until, at last, we come to the solution of the modern day: Drug 'em.

So how do you find good pet drugs? Honestly you really shouldn't bother. Even if they existed they would be only a temporary solution to your problems. Just use booze. Given time and persistence, enough booze should cause the requisite brain damage to permanently return your cat to the sweet, lovable stupidity of kittenhood, solving both the cuteness and psychosis problems with a single, alcohol-laden stone.

Hope this helps,
James