Flipped Off in Florida

"Dear James,

I have several friends from other countries, and they keep on pointing at things with their middle fingers. I haven't gotten up the guts yet to tell them that this is a very rude gesture in this country. Should I tell them, or should I wait for them to figure it out on their own?

Sincerely,
Flipped-off in Florida"

Dear Flipped,

Since as far back as the 1800's it has been a tradition within these United States to mislead foreigners as to the proper social customs of the realm. Historians widely believe that, like most US traditions, this began in a tavern as a bit of drunken mischief. Here (http://convenienthistoricaldocuments.com) we would have been able to see the very first incidence of this; Joe Jack, a railway worker telling a Chinese immigrant about the American custom of picking one's nose before they shake hands with a superior caputured in full yellow and black color. However due to the recent reclassification project (http://www.fcw.com/article92436-02-27-06-Print) these documents are no longer available due to their threat to national security, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

This running joke at the expense of our immigrant population has since flourished in popularity, spreading laughter and gaity from coast to coast, and eventually climbing the social ladder past its blue-collar beginings. Unfortunately the growing popularity of this "in" joke has lead to a disturbing trend: With everyone involved in the set-up, there's no dupe to deliver the punch line. So now we have scenarios, like the one you are encountering, whereby a foreigner is allowed to continue with their faux-pas behavior indeffinetly with all of us making the assumption that at some point a white (preferably upper class) person will be horribly shocked by their behavior. Of course since the joke is universal this never happens!

With this in mind there's really only one thing you can do; Have children and do not, under any circumstances, clue them in on the joke. Breed them with a good understanding of proper social behavior along with an expectation of it. Then, someday decades down the line when your foreign friends are still flipping people off, there will be some (hopefully upper class) white people to become shocked and aggrieved at their behavior. Then, finally, we can all have a laugh at their expense.

Hope this helps,
James

Desperately Seeking Shiba

"Dear Advicefromjames@hotmail.com,

I'm looking for a Shiba Inu breeder in the Oregon area, perhaps you could direct me to where I can acquire a red Shiba girl of 10 weeks and a feisty, but sweet disposition.

Desperately Seeking Shiba"

Dear Seeking,

I've found that one thing that works for me when I can't get ahold of someone, either because they don't answer my calls or because I'm just to lazy to find a phone book, is to file missing-person reports with the police. Usually I'll get a call from them within a few days with little to no effort. Unfortunately the police may become suspicious if you file a report entitled "Missing, Oregonian Shiba Inu breeder." They may also want a locale where they should be looking, and well, if you knew that you probably wouldn't be asking me how to find them. However this strategy is not wholely useless. Get on the internet and find a picture of a shiba inu you'd like to own. Then file an ad in the paper entitled "Missing puppy!" using the picture. This is a relatively inexpensive way to get a shot at a free puppy.

If you're looking for more of a sure thing then what you truly need is a way to track down a breeder in a reliable and money-back guaranteed manner. One of the best ways to do this that I've found (through watching TV) is to hire a private detective. The detectives with the cool nicknames seem to be by far the most effective, willing to break noses and "mix it up" to find you the person you want. According to my research they're also usually desperate for a job as they tend to have severe alcohol abuse and hygiene issues that prevent them from getting steady work despite their competence.

Now of course finding one such PI in this day and age might seem a tricky endeavor, but with modern technology I think you'll find it not as hard as you imagine. Just as an experiment I decided to type in a random profession and locale to see if I could find information related to the subjects. Entirely out of the blue I pulled "Shiba Inu breeder Oregon" and came up with the following:

Morningstar River Shibas Joan Morningstar Grants Pass, OregonPh: 541-660-6000 mailto:joni@terragon.com http://www.morningstarshibas.com/ Ships within the USA and Canada.

Now if that strategy works for something as ridiculously random as "Shiba Inu breeders" then I'm sure you should have no trouble finding "Dirty out of work Private Detectives."

At any rate, good luck on your search! And if you do find a good PI could you refer them to me? I have a booky that owes me money who's conveniently disappeared.

WOWed in Wisconsin

"Dear James,

My girlfriend says I have an unhealthy addiction to World of Warcraft and that online friends aren't "real" friends. She has even threatened to leave me if I don't stop playing so much. But I think it's fun and find it socially satisfying. What should I do?

Signed,
WOWed in Wisconsin"

Dear WOWed,

Your girlfriend is correct. There are a number of significant differences between online friends and real friends. The most important two are that your real friends will frequently borrow your things for long periods of time, and ask you to do things for them that require real and significant effort. Meanwhile your online friends can't borrow anything from you, and if they ask you to do something it will almost invariably involve playing more World of Warcraft. In this sense they're actually better than real friends in almost every way that counts. Kind of like superfriends, only they don't say things like "Wonder twin powers activate!" which can only be considered a good thing. In this sense you should guard them hawkishly against their own real-life intrusions by encouraging them to miss important real world social functions so as to break their ties with those that would interfere with your gaming habits. Once you have builts up this metaphorical wall of social abandonment too keep your online friends constantly availble you will be free to do the same should you so choose.

That said, you may not have too. Often times people will try to phrase life-choices for you in terms of an "either, or" statement. Almost invariably both options are disadvantageous to you in some way. In order to truly live the lifestyle we want to live it is important to find loopholes in these mandated presentations of decisions that will allow us to have our cake and eat it too. To do this we need to have a comprehensive understanding of the person setting up this dichotomy.

And on to the list...

Step 1: Know thy girlfriend.

Likely, if you've had this girlfriend for a while you've established some sort of wheedling factor. What's a wheedling factor you ask? It's the length of time you can vocally appease her without actually doing anything. From the size of her wheedling factor you should be able to derive a sense of how committed she is to making you do things. Ideally you've attracted a mate of an equivalently lackadaisal attitude towards the world as yourself, and she will quickly forget her threat as she realizes she might actually have to put effort into carrying it out. Unfortunately things in this world are rarely ideal. If there is an honest threat that you may have to actually do something move on to step 2.

Step 2: Money makes the world go round.

All relationships between people are ultimately mercantile in nature. Romantic relationships tend to focus excessively on the trade of emotional goods rather than material, so if you want time with your warcraft you'll need to collect some emotional currency (EC) to trade to your girlfriend. One of the easiest types of currency to parlay into this sort of gain is guilt (it's like the Euro of emotional currency). Has your girlfriend recently done something she regrets? Has she done it to you? Then you've got some EC to spend. Just bring up that story about your girlfriend eating your last scoop of chocolate ice cream last night as an "amusing anecdote" when you sense that she's about to bring up your gaming habits. Be careful not to overspend the same currency though or you could be in trouble. You'll need a wide range of events to gather enough EC to make this sort of thing last for any significant period of time, so keep an eye out and make sure you learn how to properly play the victim to inflate your EC's value.

Sidenote: If you ever catch your girlfriend cheating on you then congratulations, you now get to play Warcraft whenever you like. Just don't go and blow your new EC on something lame like one night with a hooker.

Step 3: Leveling your characters with a web of deceit.

This one is fairly straight forward. Simply hide your habit from your girlfriend underneath an acceptable pretext. Can you play at work? Do so. Careful about this though, as if you earn an hourly wage your girlfriend may well expect you to be earning more money and spending some of it on her! You should be able to supplement your income by goldfarming, all you need is the proper WoW blackmarket connections. Talk to Gnotty the Gnome on frostbane, he'll set you up. If you can't play at work then you may have to take drastic measures. Start acting possessive and emotionally controlling around your girlfriend's friends and relatives. Not too much, just a little bit. If you're lucky they'll try to keep your girlfriend from being sealed away from her friends by your abusive tendencies through a continuous series of interventions and "girl's night outs". This should buy you a few hours a week of uninterrupted gaming. Finally, try getting your girlfriend addicted to some other time-consuming habit like you are.

At any rate, good luck. The world (of warcraft) needs dedicated gamers like you to keep it active and fun! You're a good man WoWed in Wisconsin, a good man.

Birdless in Boston

"Dear James,

I read your advice about pet ownership and dumped my boyfriend to spend more time with my parakeet. But yesterday Tweety flew the coop, and several hours later I received a call from someone having found him. And who do you think it was? My ex! It turns outTweety liked him better. What should I do?

Signed,
Birdless in Boston"

Dear Birdless,

Much like humans, animals have the capacity to form unhealthy relationships that work to the detriment of the psychology that we imagine they have. As a model type-A petowner you should remember that you need to maintain the delusion that pet's are just like human children, and will frequently need to have their behavior corrected for their own good. Without this firmly in mind you run the risk of developing a more normal (and thus far less fulfilling) relationship with your pet.

With this in mind you should project onto Tweety an anthrocentric idealization of what's going on to properly fit into your newly adopted worldview. Because I like lists here are some potential suggestions;

1: Pretend that tweety is like a young child that wants to live with her abusive father after a divorce.

Children, like birds, have brains only slightly more functional than walnuts, and will frequently make poor decisions based on strong emotions that they don't understand. This particular delusion will provide you the opportunity to play the martyr, suffering horendously for the good of your pet who doesn't appreciate what you're doing for him. This will further strengthen your bond with him, and allow you to justify padlocking the cage and throwing away the key so he doesn't "harm himself" again.

2: Treat your bird as a lost lover who cheated on you.

Birds are, by definition, very flighty creatures. While they may sing your praises today, some hobo with a bit of dead worm could quickly become their new best friend tomorrow. Look at this as an oppurtunity to play the betrayed lover, who lays about wallowing in the gentle caress of unending waves of self-pity. This will set you up to have an even deeper and more dependent relationship with your next pet as you relate to the poor unfortunate creature how Tweety broke your heart time and time again. If you're more the passive type then this option is probably better than option 1 as it doesn't require you to do much (maybe get out of bed once to pick up a new bird).

3: Wrath of the the lover spurned!

Are you an energetic, passionate and easily angered type of person? Then this option is for you. This situation is of course, like in all the other delusions, everyone's fault but your own and you're going to make them all pay. Go on a diet of strictly bird meat for the next few months, relishing every morsel as you imagine that filthy tramp of a songbird roasting over an open fire. Also, don't forget that your ex was ultimately responsible for your betrayal as well. Use the key to his appartment you haven't returned yet and plant bestial pornographic material, ideally involving birds. Then fantasize about his friends and new gf finding the hidden trove of sleeze and drawing their own conclusions about his "darling little bird".

I think you'll find that one of these suggestions is ideal for your temperment and situation. Remember though that a consistent set of delusions is very important to maintaining the steady imput of emotional angst neccessary to keep your likely dull and uninteresting life meaningful. This means you need to make the delusion you choose fit with all those that your previously held, so keep that in mind for your choice.

Best of luck,
James

Advice Needed

"Dear James,

I want a hedgehog, but I am not sure I can take care of a pet. What should I do?

Thanks,
Kathy"

Well Kathy, in considering what to do about your problem you should first look inward to see if you're the sort of person that could provide the love, care, and food that all pets need to survive. Well, in truth pets tend to only need the food from that list to actually survive so if all else fails make sure you can provide that.

So how do you know if you're the sort of person that can take care of a pet? Well let's take a look at the ideal pet owner. This sort of person keeps their pet constantly in mind during all their daily activities, never allowing themselves to get overly distracted by the little things in life if it means that their pet will be deprived of the attention it desires. This person always prioritizes their pet's well-being above all else and is able to form a deep emotional bond with their pet. Now how do you know if you can do this if this will be your first pet? Easy, there are actually four easily identified characteristics of such a person that can be detected even prior to actually seeing them with an animal.

1: You are, yourself, starved for affection and attention.

One of the best ways to make sure you're constantly committed to your pet is to size up your ability to form codependent relationships. Have you had abusive boyfriends, problems with addiction, or overbearing parents? Great! You have just the sort of psychology to obsess over the well-being of an animal that may or may not develop any reciprocal attachment. You're on your way to being a Type A petowner (ie old cat-lady).

2: Lonliness is a motivator like no other.

Other interpersonal relationships will almost invariably dilute what you have with your pet. In this vein you want to carefully assess whether your connections with people are so strong that you may end up neglecting your new best friend. For instance do you have a boyfriend you actually like? If so then be careful, you might end up lost in your SO's beautiful turquoise eyes as your little critter, having just hidden beneath the couch cusions, suffocates beneath his gorgeous musculur hunk of a body. Note that actually being in a codependent relationship not only negates the benefit of criteria #1, but it's actually worse for your pet. So if you do fulfill criteria #1 make absolutely sure you also meet criteria #2.

3: We are all slaves to market forces.

At some point in your life you're going to have to deal with the fact that every little thing you've ever wanted will, in some way, tie in to your personal finances. For pets this is even more true. You need to be able to feed and safely house your pet, of course, but don't forget that vet bills can be tremendous. This little fact comes from the tendency for vets to actually want to make money off your dear little darling's health! I know what you're thinking, the nerve of these people! Why don't they cure your pet for the pure love of animals? As it turns out some animal lovers are actually opposed to living in cardboard boxes. If you're one such individual, be careful, you'll need a sizable income as a windfall in case your little schnookums gets sick. Ideally, of course, you'll be willing to live on the street in order to support your pet.

4: Do you already have a bigger pet?

As it turns out, some animals can be a little territorial. Also, some can just be hungry. For this reason it is very important to only get pets of the same general size as all previous pets you own. This way, when they fight to the death, you'll know the survivor was the one that cared about you the most (and not just the biggest).

So what if you don't have the psychological instability neccessary to become a type A petowner? Well, you may be suitable to be a second-tier pet owner if you can reliably care for and feed your pet when neccessary. Know, however, that you'll be pretty low on the social hierchy of petowners and that the old cat-lady down the street will probably be peering past her curtains at you in disdain.

Hope this helps Kathy!

Arguments Without Evidence

Sometimes, no matter how smart we may be, no matter how witty and wise, we end up in an argument with someone in which we have chosen what amounts to the wrong side. Maybe we didn't have all the evidence when we took our position, maybe we chose to ignore it, but whatever the reason we've all been in situations where we're just empirically wrong about what we're saying.

Many people will tell you that when it becomes evident that you've lost an argument you should try and bow out gracefully, admit you were wrong and move on with your life.
Beware these people, for they are cunning indeed.

Let me assure you, this is all some sort of long-reaching diabolical plot to obscure the purpose of argument and gain undeserved victory in situations because of the irrelevant issue of "accuracy" and "correctness." A true connoisseur of arguments understands that these concepts have no place in true honest-to-goodness debate. If we wanted to try and establish an accurate picture of reality we would just swap facts and hold off on conclusions until everything was out in the open. As everyone knows, this is not how arguments are run! This is because the goal of an argument is not to reach the "correct" conclusion amongst both people, but to vie for position in a social hierchy. So with this in mind it is important to be able to win these contests of will even when our, let's say "footing," is a little off-ballance. Here are some techniques I commonly use in such positions;

1: Straw man argument: This one is absolute classic and used by rhetorists the world over. It involves either finding, or even creating, a proponent of the opposing side of an issue with terrible and obvious flaws both in their rationale and their personal character, and then verbally pounding the hell out of this universally acknowledged deserving target. The implication in this process is that anyone that supports the opposing side also supports this horrible or stupid individual.

An example might be "You shouldn't drive German cars! Did you know Hitler drove those pieces of crap?"

2: Subtly alter positions: Does your opponent have a better position than you? That's not really fair. Make him take a new position by subtly twisting his words to support something similiar but not actually equivalent to his original position. Also do this to yourself to give yourself stronger footing in the discussion.
Example: "So what you're saying is German cars /never/ break down? Hah, that's a laugh! What I've been saying this entire time is that people over-rate german cars, and they do break down occassionally."

3: Demand Evidence That Isn't Worth Gathering: Infallibly prooving a position takes a lot of effort. In day to day discourse we usually don't demand that people proove things beyond a shadow of a doubt, just that they offer enough evidence to demonstrate superiority over alternatives. In arguments though often people assume that the stakes are much higher and that even though the argument will have no importance outside the immediate moments it is happening, that the positions each person takes should be supported with enough evidence to give a person the death penalty. You should be one such person making this assumption.
Example: "I want you to bring me a German car, take it appart, and prove that it's parts are more durable than an American car!"

4: God You're Obsessed!: If all else fails, if your opponent is out faux-logicing you at ever turn, minimize the importance of the argument. This shouldn't be hard as most of the things we argue about aren't actually that important, but the key with this one is to make sure you do it first! And make sure you go off on a huge tirade about how your opponent has blown everything out of proporition and is making a big deal about nothing so that they can't deny it. Remember to use this as a last resort, however, as it's not worth as many points as actually winning an argument straight-up.

Example: "Geez, it's not like I'm even buying a car anytime soon. Why the hell are you so worked up over German cars anyhow? Christ! Take a chill pill."

I think you'll find these techniques very useful, and indeed you may well find yourself climbing to such esteemed status that no one will feel worthy of talking to you anymore, and that ladies and gentlemen is the true power of the spoken word!

My First Advice

Just to get things rolling, here's a little free advice on a topic I'm sure we've all had issues with;

How to get out of being asked to do things for our loved ones:

Now, I know what you're thinking. "If they were really my friends they wouldn't ask me to do anything! They'd let me sit and do nothing for as long as I please, and perhaps even bring me butterscotch toffee!"

... And in an ideal world this would indeed be the case. Unfortunately it seems, by the lack of toffee on my desk, that this is not an ideal world and people will actually periodically try and impose their whims upon you. Now a person clumsy in the art of social interaction might say "Well, just say no. How hard is that?"

No?

NO?

No. Don't ever say "no" because that sets a terrible precident for when you need something from them. A graceful master of social interaction has a number of very special ways of dissuading requests for their time and effort. One of the most effective ways of dealing with this situation that I've found is to always agree to do everything your asked. Agree enthusiastically and give excessive assurances that you'll perform the request as soon and as effectively as possible. Then begin the planning phase. Plan for hours, days if that's what it takes to drain away all hope from your friend of the task ever getting done. At the same time don't let them drop the issue quietly. Constantly remind them of the request they made and tell them about all the /mental/ progress you have made towards their goals. Explain to them in detail how you're so enthusiastic about whatever it is they want you to do that you can't bear the thought of anything going wrong.

This will serve three purposes. First, it annoys the crap out of them. Eventually they'll come to deeply regret they ever asked anything of you. Second, because the job will always be visibly in progress they can't officially hold it against you that you didn't do it. Finally, they won't be able to ask you to do anything in the meantime because you're still working on the first thing they told you to do.

As you perfect the art of passive disagreement you may eventually find yourself killing all hope within your would-be benefactee within a matter of moments without them even realizing what you're doing. Some more advanced versions of this technique might include: practiced incompetence, false preparations, unrelenting requests for opinion/help, and, if you're of the right age, constant interuptive trips to the potty.

May this little piece of advice forever serve as your guide and salvation in situations most dire.

A little Free Advice

As this is my very first post I'm going to give a brief description of how this works. This is an advice column for any seeking out the opinion of dutiful member of the internet community (ie, me) on problems in your life, real or imagined. Just so we're all on the same page, this is not meant seriously as should be immediatly evident upon reading any of the entries following this one.

That said...

Solicit Advice From James at advicefromjames@hotmail.com, ask me anything about anything and I promise you that my response will sound knowledgable and wise regardless of my actual expertise in the area!